“Nothing Ever Changes”
By Steve Beckow
Posted on March 20, 2024
I’d like to return to the subject of exiting the cycle of conflict for a moment to introduce the notion of a nuclear issue.
In a full-blown cycle of conflict, we may reach the conclusion that “nothing ever changes.”
When we conclude that, the issue that doesn’t change may go nuclear.
A “nuclear issue” is an issue that won’t go away and that gets met with an inadequate response, again and again and again, until the triggered person explodes.
Any issue can become nuclear if important enough and disregarded often enough.
I discovered in my life, for instance, that I had nuclear issues around silence and drunkenness. If I’m interrupted often enough, I reach a point where I can’t write. And after a while of being unable to create a quiet space for myself to write, I can get annoyed, irritated, angry and then go nuclear.
We only get so many passes, going nuclear, before the relationship reaches disdain and falls apart.
The second trigger is a person drunk and rattling on. It reminds me of my Mother on sleeping pills.
She finally died with ten sleeping pills in her stomach. The house burned down from a lit cigarette. Drunk people remind me of that.
Those are two of my relationship sticking points.
The longer we go repeating ourselves day after day on an issue, the higher the tension rises, until we choose to explode in the face of a triggering event.
The longer we go repeating ourselves day after day on an issue, the higher the tension rises, until we choose to explode in the face of a triggering event.
Our opposite number usually scratches their head in disbelief. What was so triggering about that comment? But it’s a build-up rather than a one-off comment. We seldom acknowledge or “get” this.
What causes it to explode is that “nothing ever changes” in – I’m willing to believe – a vast number of relationships.
One big reason for this situation is our failure to master listening skills, which I’ve discussed elsewhere. (1)
The divorce rate, the last time I looked, was very high and I assert that this high rate reflects the inability or unwillingness to leave this abusive cycle.
I also think we’ll find this cycle operating throughout international “diplomacy.” It’s a learned and programmed response to any objectionable or threatening situation, I believe.
As I’ve said previously, people applaud the two estranged people getting back together again whereas they should, rather, be encouraging them to create productive communication and eliminate the nuclear issues.
Whether or not the couple, as a couple, focus in on the cycle, the individual must eliminate it from their own life. The tensions, anger, and disappointment of living in that cycle are not worth being called a “life.”
We don’t teach relationship, parenting, communication, etc., in school. Surely these are the most necessary of skills to have.
Download here: https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/Leaving-the-Cycle-of-Conflict-25.pdf
(1) On that subject, see:
- Are You Listening? at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Are-You-Listening-R5.pdf
- A Manual for Listeners at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/A-Manual-for-Listeners-R3.pdf
The Value of Listening at https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/The-Value-of-Listening-3.pdf
Steve Beckow
