You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents If You Experienced These 32 Things

You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents If You Experienced These 32 Things

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on August 16, 2024

 

Growing up, did you feel like you were the responsible adult and not your parents, or was every aspect of your life under their strict control? Did you feel rejected? Perhaps the constant mood swings made you insecure?

If this sounds familiar, you could have been raised by emotionally immature parents, but what are the signs? Studies show there are four types of parents who are emotionally immature. In this article, I’ll explore the things you’ll experience growing up with each type.

Four Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

Clinical psychologist Lindsay C Gibson describes four types of parents with immature emotions in her book ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’:

• Emotional
• Passive/Negligent
• Driven
• Rejecting

1. Characteristics of Emotional Parents

Your parents were erratic and emotionally unstable.

Emotional parents have extreme reactions which cause erratic behavior. They overreact to the slightest little problem and you never know what mood they’ll be in. Their behavior swings between suffocating or absent. These are the parents that are most emotionally immature.They have temper tantrums if they don’t get their own way.

You can’t have a level-headed conversation to avoid conflict.

You feel responsible for your parents’ happiness.

They misinterpret conversations and then react childishly.

Your parents are so needy, you never felt as if you could leave home.

They overreact to ordinary situations which make you feel insecure.

Their two emotional states are blowing up or shutting down.

They hold grudges against you for the smallest reason.

2. Characteristics of Passive Parents

Your parents had a ‘laissez-faire’ attitude to parenting.

Passive parents leave their children to their own devices for long periods. Passive parents might be physically present, but they’re not available emotionally. They take a ‘hands off’ parenting approach.

For example, they don’t set boundaries or curfews, you’re allowed to do what you want without consequences, and they act like a friend, rather than your parent.Your parents treat you more like a best friend than a son or daughter.

They confide in you, often talking about inappropriate subjects for your age and relationship.

They are fun to be around, but you can’t talk to them about serious concerns.

They don’t care where you are or who you are with.

Your parents frequently leave you on your own.

There is a complete lack of discipline.

They are more interested in their lives than parenting you.

They avoid conflict and sweep difficult situations under the rug.

3. Characteristics of Driven Parents

Your parents were controlling and cold towards you.

Did you have limited control over your choices and actions growing up? All driven parents share one common thing; they know what’s best for you. Consequently, the attention you get depends on how well you are living up to their ideal image of a child.

Driven parents are perfectionists. They are not receptive to your needs, rather they’re focused on what they want you to achieve.You must act like the perfect family all the time.

They can’t handle you unless you are perfect.

They have to be right all the time.

There’s an inability to negotiate or compromise.

If you say no to them, they will go ballistic.

There’s no accountability when they do something wrong.

Everything is black or white, or right or wrong with them.

They must be in charge and in control.

4. Characteristics of Rejecting Parents

Your parents acted as if they never wanted children.

If you ever wondered why your parents had children at all, it’s possible that rejecting parents raised you. Rejecting parents don’t seem to want to be involved with their kids.

Rejecting parents are like passive parents, in that they also take a hands-off approach, but unlike passive parents, your presence is noticeably irritating to them. They wish you weren’t there. Rejecting parents can be quite nasty.They tease you or make jokes about you and do not stop when you get upset.

You never spend time with your parents.

They threaten to leave or kick you out during disagreements.

You try hard to please them.

They brush over your feelings, changing the subject because they don’t care.

You learn not to bother them about your problems.

You feel like a lodger in your own home.

They downplay your emotions, but theirs are important.

The Consequences of Growing up with Emotionally Immature Parents

Growing up with Emotional Parents

Being raised by emotional parents would be chaotic and unpredictable. You had no stability because you never knew what was going to happen next.

This sense of unease and anxiety has followed you into adulthood. You find any kind of stress unbearable, and you’ll do anything to keep the peace. You may end up as a people-pleaser or someone that always puts others before your own needs.

Growing up with Passive Parents

Having no boundaries or consequences may seem like the perfect childhood to some, but it’s not. Children need limits. Parents set rules to keep their kids safe. Being strict shows a level of interest and a willingness to be involved in their children’s lives.

Passive parents may produce adults with low self-esteem who are prone to depression. They can become trapped in abusive relationships because they don’t value their self-worth.

Growing up with Driven Parents

Children raised by driven parents have learned that love is conditional on someone else’s goals and idea of perfection. Now, as adults, they can end up being overly critical of themselves and others. They demand perfection in their relationships and can’t settle for less.

There’s also an increased risk of obsessive or compulsive behaviors, such as alcoholism, as they try to live up to their parents’ expectations.

Growing up with Rejecting Parents

Children of rejecting parents learn early on their parents don’t want them. There’s no love or affection growing up and this can affect children in two ways; they can become needy and crave attention, or they are hostile and reject intimacy like their parents did.

Or they can switch between the two. Either way, they have trouble maintaining healthy relationships.

How to Heal from Emotionally Immature Parents

If you identify with any of the above emotionally immature parents, the next step is to heal yourself from the damage they have inflicted on you.

“Such a parent can probably never fulfill your childhood vision of a loving parent. You can’t win your parent over, but you can save yourself.”

-Lindsay C GibsonSurround yourself with people that love and value you.

Go to therapy or join support groups.

Practice self-care to increase your confidence.

Do things that make you happy and not what you think makes others like you.

Set boundaries and learn to say no to people without feeling you’ve let them down.

Identify any triggers (what makes you angry/upset) and work towards understanding the causes.

Final thoughts

You may identify with one or more of the four emotionally immature parents, but that doesn’t mean you cannot change and move away from their influence. Recovering from their toxic behavior is a journey of self-discovery. It takes time and won’t happen overnight.

References:

• researchgate.net

Janey Davies

 

 

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

 

Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.

 

Parenting the Viable Child

Cultivating Wellbeing

Part 1

Parenting the Viable Child

Prometheus is the Teacher

Received by Renée

Posted on May 2, 2024

Alberta, Canada, May 15, 2013

Teacher Prometheus: “Well-being is a phrase that can be applied in all situations where a human-being is called upon to make a choice, for the choice to serve is presented time and time again to each child of the evolutionary spheres. The consciously ethical, striving, and spiritually receptive individual is aware of the potentialities of choice-making to a degree in the rudimentary intellect which develops with each experiential choice. The average-minded human being certainly has in their possession free will, bestowed at the time the personality-gift is given, at birth and not before. Teaching the child to make choices, which consider the well-being of others, is of paramount importance. As it states in the Urantia Papers, the Gift of the Thought Adjuster does not arrive until the human child makes his or her first moral choice.

“An infant develops an ability to communicate and this precipitates learning via choice-making. Parents must be cognizant of the fact that they are members of a community, which supports the family, and therefore they must teach their children to make responsible choices within the community. The ‘common good’ must be considered the higher priority, before a choice is made which has the potential to affect the whole community.

“The first several years of development are focused on the nourishment of the mind, the physical vehicle and the emotional-psychological and social needs of the child. The child’s sense of self is but the seed of consciousness, a narrow and necessarily self-focused awareness. The needs of the child stimulate the human parents investments of time, energy, but most importantly love. This ‘self’ could be called ‘ego’ but would more properly be described as a seed of greater ‘consciousness’. The investment of the efforts of human parents, Mother Spirit, and Seraphim which tend to the young children and the over-care-protective-calming energies of Christ Michael our Universe Sovereign are required to grow the seed to an expanded consciousness. Personality depends upon this expanded consciousness.

“The Spirit of Truth – the Gift of Christ Michael to His Urantian children after his resurrection (more appropriately called translation from His mortal Bestowal mission) – begins to work in coordination with the Adjutant Mind Spirits of Mother Spirit as soon as the child has sufficient awareness of self and the awareness of his or her ability to respond to stimulus and create ‘thought forms’ which are an expression of its needs and feelings. The needs of the self-aware human-child-personality are not simply physical!

“The child-personality desires, and above all else needs, the acceptance and loving affection and the attentiveness of his or her parents. The child also fundamentally requires and deserves safety and security. The child can only thrive if certain primary conditions are met: Firstly, a safe and caring environment; secondly, accepting and nurturing attitudes from the care-givers; thirdly, the nourishment which stimulates growth of body, mind-intellect, and social, emotional, and ‘spiritual intelligence’.

“The conditions of safety, acceptance, nourishment and commitment – response-ability – to the needs of the child must be met sufficiently for there to be a ‘viable child’, who yearns to learn beyond the vital prerequisite of simple animal-survival skills.

“We are Prometheus and Friends.”

© The 11:11 Progress Group.

All the elemental qualities of Love are inherent in the Light

we receive – Prometheus, 2013.

http://www.1111angels.net

The Devouring Mother Archetype: 11 Signs & 8 Ways You Can Heal

The Devouring Mother Archetype:

11 Signs & 8 Ways You Can Heal

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on January 21, 2024

 

 

I was watching a TV program the other day, and a character referred to her mother as a devouring mother.

In the program, the mother wrapped her daughter in cotton wool. She was overprotective, invested in her daughter’s life to the point where she neglected her own, and smothered her with love. Eventually, the daughter snapped and killed her.

I found it interesting because society usually focuses on neglectful mothers. Can you have too much love? In this article, I’ll examine the characteristics of the devouring mother archetype, how to spot if a devouring mother raised you, and how to heal from it. But first, a quick recap on archetypes.

What Αre the Archetypes?

The devouring mother archetype derives from psychoanalyst Carl Jung’s Archetypes. Jung’s Archetypes are 12 distinct personalities, sharing common character traits which we easily recognize.

Humans identify with an archetype, and this informs our behavior and how others see us. Examples include the Mother, the Sage, the Explorer, the Ruler, the Outlaw and the Magician.

There are distinct groups within the Mother Archetypes:The Great Mother represents Mother Nature, fertility, and maternal instinct.

The Bad Mother is known in fairy-tales as the evil stepmother causing harm.

The Adopted Mother takes care of people around her.

So, what’s the Devouring Mother Archetype?

What Is the Devouring Mother Archetype? The Definition

“The Devouring Mother ‘consumes’ her children psychologically and emotionally and often instills in them feelings of guilt at leaving her or becoming independent.” Caroline Myss

The devouring mother wants to keep her children all to herself out of the need to protect them from the real world or stop them from leaving her.

She can feel a genuine desire to safeguard her children from societal evils and dangers. Or, she might be so insecure and afraid of loneliness that she cannot bear her children to leave her.

Overprotective Mother

The overprotective devouring mother infantilizes her children, keeping them in a permanently childlike state. She ensures her children cannot function in the adult world, leaving them reliant on her and unable to live independent lives.

Insecure Mother

The insecure devouring mother makes her children feel guilty if they dare to create a life of their own. Her children learn that life revolves around their mother, and cannot function in a world she doesn’t control.

This type of devouring mother archetype stems from a fear of being left alone. She needs to be needed and her children are the perfect candidates. She places her emotional needs above her children’s growth and welfare.

In both cases, as the devouring mother exerts more and more control over her children, she forces them to become dependent on her. Perhaps unsurprisingly, as they become more reliant on her, she relies more on them. It turns into a vicious circle. Neither party can exit.

Characteristics of the Devouring Mother Archetype

Overprotective

The devouring mother goes to any lengths to keep her child safe from harm. She might prevent them mixing with other children, home-school them, forbid them to play outside the house or attend after-school clubs. This stymies the child’s development into healthy adulthood.

Controlling

This overprotective nature can turn into controlling behavior, especially if children rebel. The mother restricts her children even more from the perceived dangers of the outside world. She exerts control over every aspect of their lives.

Manipulation

Young children are easy to control, but as they get older, they can question rules and restrictions. The devouring mother may resort to manipulation tactics to explain or coerce desired behaviors. She may say things like,

‘This is for your own good’ or ‘I’m doing this for the best.’

Over-involved

When a parent is overly involved in their child’s life, identities become blurred. The child’s achievements are their achievements, the child’s goals become their goals, and so on. The parent loses their sense of self because they’re directing all their effort into their child.

Self-sacrifice

It takes time, effort, and energy to control your child’s every move. It’s natural for a woman with the devouring mother archetype to neglect her own needs. When your child is your absolute priority, it’s easy to forget to look after yourself.

Guilt-trip

When you give up everything for your child, you can use this as another form of control and manipulation.

‘Look what I sacrificed for you. Look at everything I gave up raising you. Now, you owe me.’

Dependent

The child is the devouring mother’s world. So, she learns to rely on her child for support, both emotionally, financially, and psychologically. This puts an unnecessary and unnatural burden on the child, who should find their own way in life, not care-take their own mother.

11 Signs of Living with a Devouring Mother

You are afraid of growing up

You find it difficult to maintain relationships

You depend on your mother

You end up in codependent relationships

You prioritize your mother’s needs over yours

You feel guilty if you put your needs first

You need approval from your mother for everything

You feel worthless without your mother

You compare girlfriends to your mother

Your mother is jealous of your friends

You do everything you can to keep your mother happy

How to Heal from a Devouring Mother?

Mothers do not own their children because they gave birth to them. You cannot own another person, nor can you rely on that person for your happiness.

It’s okay to say no

You are not responsible for your mother. There is a natural order for things. The parent raises the child; the child becomes independent from the parent and so the circle continues. We have separate identities from our parents.

While it is natural to feel a sense of duty to elderly parents whose health has deteriorated, you still have your own life to lead. You cannot sacrifice yourself on the altar of a needy parent.

Get time apart

Sometimes we are too involved in a situation to see the problem objectively. You may need to step away for a few weeks or months to give yourself a chance to heal. After all, if you hurt your arm, you’d rest it to mend it. If you keep using it, you’ll only make it worse.

Set boundaries

If your mother calls every day or ‘pops’ over to visit, make it clear this is to stop. She is welcome with an invitation, and you cannot speak to her daily. Make her understand this doesn’t mean you don’t love her, you just need your own space.

Understand you can’t fill her void

Her happiness is not your problem. Even if she blames you, those are her shortcomings, not yours. You cannot be everything and everyone to her. You are just wasting your life if you try.

Find positive mentors

I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother, but when I was younger, I met an older lady who acted as a mentor for me. I watched how she interacted with her children and saw the things she taught them. It gave me a different perspective to model myself from.

Move out

Sometimes the only recourse is to move out and rid yourself of her toxic behaviors. This is difficult if you are under the same roof. She can insert herself into your life and carry on controlling you. Moving out creates distance both physically and psychologically.

Use ‘I statements’ to avoid assigning blame

It’s easy to say things like ‘You’re always on my case’ or ‘You’re so needy’. This just points the finger and apportions blame. Instead, ‘I statements’ focus on your needs and take the emphasis off blaming someone. Saying ‘I need space’ or ‘I don’t have time to speak to you every day’ shifts from blame to owning the situation.

Get therapy

Sometimes the problems are so entrenched only a professional can help unpick them. You might not change your mother’s behavior, but you can understand it more and change how you react to it.

Final thoughts

There are many reasons mothers adopt the devouring mother archetype. While it can damage the child, with help and positive role models, you can learn to grow and function healthily.

References:

• ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
• sciencedirect.com
• psychologytoday.com

Janey Davies

 

 

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

 

Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.