20 Signs of an Abusive Friendship You May Overlook
By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)
Posted on September 20, 2024
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Featured image by freepik |
If you’re reading this article, I suspect you’re having doubts about a friend of yours and you want answers. Whilst it’s foolish to think our friends are perfect, we don’t expect to feel used, deflated or drained when we spend time with them.
Friendships should be balanced relationships. Good friends provide support and helpful advice. They should have our backs, not stab us in the back. Here are 20 signs of an abusive friendship.
20 Signs of An Abusive Friendship
1. The friendship is one-sided
Whether it’s financial or emotional, we want to help our friends and we try our best. But friends that always receive this help and never reciprocate are abusive, and if they do help, it’s such an enormous deal you don’t ask again. They brush off your problems as insignificant and shift the focus back to their own issues.
2. They take financial advantage of you
Have you lent money to a friend who never pays it back and always gives some sob story when you ask about it? Do you feel sometimes they ask to borrow money and have no intention of ever paying it back? Are you now afraid to refuse because of the consequences?
3. You always give in to them
Do their needs always come first? Perhaps your suggestions fall on deaf ears or you always end up doing what your friend wants. It’s so common it’s an unwritten rule in your friendship.
4. They rely on you too much
Needy friends can be just as toxic as abusive friends.
I regularly took my friend shopping every week for years because she was a pensioner and didn’t drive. Once the initial ‘Oh you’re so wonderful for helping me’ ended, she complained I wasn’t taking her to her choice of store, even calling me a b***h and implying I was doing it on purpose to wind her up.
5. They don’t like your successes
“Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” – Gore Vidal
Genuine friends don’t envy your success, they’re happy for you. Abusive friends are threatened by your achievements because they don’t have your best interests at heart and it makes them feel worse about their lives.
6. But revel in your failures
Does your friend only want to hear about your failures? Do they get excited when you tell them you’ve had a bad day? Are they invested in the breakup of your intimate relationship but bored when you’re happy with your partner? This is called fake sympathy and a sign of an abusive friendship.
7. They exert passive control over you
Abuse can be overt or covert. Someone who is passive aggressive doesn’t want to confront you, but they’ll do little things that wind you up without you noticing.
For example, your friend is always late, even though they know it annoys you. Or you always end up paying for lunch, even though your friend earns twice your salary. Or they always give you advice, even when you never ask for it. It’s all control.
8. You must agree with everything they say
Does your friend get angry when you disagree with them? Or maybe they act as if you’re being cruel and siding against them? They expect you to have the same opinions they do and not agree with other people’s points of view if they’re conflicting.
9. It’s all about them
Sometimes one friend needs more support than the other, and vice versa. This is the natural ebb and flow of a mutually balanced friendship. But when one person must be the center of attention all the time, it’s a sign of an abusive friendship.
Ask yourself the following; do they dominate the conversation? Are you always doing the things they want to do? Are you always supporting them with their problems, but they don’t want to know when you’re in difficulty?
10. They damage your belongings
Has a friend ‘borrowed’ something of yours and returned it damaged? Perhaps they’ve not returned it at all?
I had a friend who asked to borrow my cat box to take her cat to the vet. I’d just bought a new one; it was an enormous bright blue box with two doors and a spot for a water bowl. I lent it to my friend. I didn’t get it back for months.
When I had to take my cat to the vet, I asked for it back. My friend gave me a small, dirty, secondhand white cat box. I asked where mine was, and they insisted this was the box I’d lent them. When I disagreed, they said,
“Do you want me to buy you a new one?”
11. They disrespect your boundaries
Friends should respect your boundaries. For example, smoking in your car when you don’t allow it, or always turning up when you’re dishing out dinner and expecting to be fed, or regularly outstaying their welcome. Genuine friends respect your boundaries. They don’t make you afraid of saying no.
12. Everything’s a competition with them
You could have had the worst day/week/month or year; it won’t matter if you’re in an abusive friendship; they’ll outdo you because they want the attention. If you’re tired, they’re exhausted, if you’re sick, they’re booking hospital appointments, if you’re sad, they’re suicidal.
They’ll turn a trivial thing into a mega drama that eclipses your problems. And if you don’t play along as an attentive audience member, they’ll lash out at you.
13. You never know what mood they’ll be in
Fluctuating moods are a subtle control mechanism, and abusive friends use this to manipulate you. People’s moods are typically stable from day to day, but an abusive friend might be on cloud nine one day and depressed the next.
You never know where you are with them because they’re so inconsistent, so you end up treading on eggshells and watching what you say in case you trigger a bad mood.
14. You can’t trust them
Can your friend not keep a secret? Perhaps they’ve revealed something you’re embarrassed about to others? Have you specifically told them not to say anything, but they ignore your wishes? If you confront them, are they sorry or do they dismiss your concerns?
15. You can’t rely on them
Whether it’s always turning up late, returning borrowed items, or paying you back money, an abusive friend is unreliable. They promise a lot but never deliver, and you keep giving them chances because they’re so convincing with their excuses.
16. They are two-faced about people
Does your friend constantly badmouth their other friends? If so, you can bet they’re doing the same behind your back, or did you think you were the only one they haven’t got a problem with? I don’t trust so-called friends who slag off their other mates. Why are they friends then?
17. Spending time with them leaves you drained
Some people are food for the soul. They leave you feeling uplifted, they’re always cheerful, boosting your confidence and making you laugh. Others suck all the joy from the room.
These emotional vampires are draining. They’re always complaining, but aren’t interested in solutions. They blow up minor issues into major ones and seem to have problems with everyone and everything in their life. However, they never rectify these problems.
18. They are always the victim
Well-balanced friends take responsibility for their actions. For instance, they’ll apologize if they’ve upset you. One of the clear signs of an abusive friend is shifting the blame. Abusive friends never take responsibility and even turn the situation around to make them the victim.
For example, they might say things like:
- “I’m such an awful friend. I don’t know why you bother with me.”
- “I can’t do anything right; I may as well give up.”
19. They like to give you advice
I have a friend who, whenever I tell her a story, always says,
“What you should have done is this.” or “What I would have done is this.”
I haven’t even finished the story; she doesn’t know what I’ve done, and I never asked her for her advice. She makes me feel like I’m constantly inadequate and can’t make my own decisions.
20. They are mean about you in public
My final sign of an abusive friendship concerns how they act around you in public. Are you the butt of your friend’s joke? Do they put you down or humiliate you in public? Do they call you names or insult you when you’re with family or friends?
Perhaps you always feel stupid in their company or feel intimidated when you’re with them.
What should you do if you recognize signs of an abusive friend?
Ask how this person makes you feel about yourself. Do you feel worse after spending time with them? Examine the reasons why this person is your friend; is it because they genuinely enjoy your company or for what they can get from you? Is there anything about the relationship worth saving?
I think that if you’ve read through all the above, recognizing signs, you probably already know what you want to do about your friendship. Perhaps you just needed clarification.
Final thoughts
Think of all the wonderful and unique qualities you offer as a friend. You have value and are under no obligation to stay friends if it’s an abusive friendship.
References:
Janey Davies
Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind
Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
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