5 Signs of a Manipulative Apology When a Person Is Just

5 Signs of a Manipulative Apology When a Person Is Just Pretending to Be Sorry 

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on August 10, 2024

 

Have you ever had an apology from someone and you felt it wasn’t genuine? Did you feel the apology was made to shut you up, or to get out of an awkward situation? These are all signs of a manipulative apology where the person is not sorry at all.

Manipulative apologies are easier to spot than you think. For example, the person will not take responsibility for their actions. Or they will use an apology to brush away your feelings.

Here are 5 key signs of a manipulative apology

1. Not taking responsibility

• “I’m sorry for the way you feel.”
• “I’m sorry that joke offended you.”
• “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This is the most common kind of manipulative apology. The onus is on the other person’s feelings, not the person who made them feel that way.

Sometimes people apologise in this way, not because they are being manipulative, but because they genuinely cannot understand why someone is so upset. Perhaps they think the person is being hypersensitive about an issue. Maybe they don’t realise that they have touched on a sore point for that person.

None of that matters if you have upset or offended someone. They are entitled to feel the way they feel. What you did or said may not have affected you in the same way, but that’s irrelevant. You may be able to laugh at a joke on a particular topic, but again, this is not the point.

Something you have said or done has upset someone. The right way to apologise is to take responsibility for upsetting them.

Genuine apologies look like this:

• “I am sorry I offended you.”

Manipulative apologies look like this:

• “I am sorry you were offended.”

In the genuine apology, the person is saying sorry for something they have done to the other person.

In the manipulative apology, the person apologises but does not take ownership of their part in the problem. They are saying sorry because the other person was offended.

2. Apologies, but with a ‘but’…

• “I’m sorry I snapped, but I was flustered at the time.”
• “Look, I’m sorry about my friend, but you did wind him up.”
• “I’m sorry you feel that way, but you are being way too sensitive.”

Any apology that includes a ‘but’ is an example of a manipulative apology. Basically, nothing is important before the ‘but’. You may as well not include the apology part.

Using a ‘but’ in an apology is a manipulative way of pushing some of the blame onto you. Again, you are not taking responsibility. In these examples, you are apologising, but you are also edifying the situation. This is so that the other person has to bear some of the blame.

Sometimes, simply removing the but can result in an effective apology.

I snapped at a friend the other day. I have two very large dogs, one that I have to keep under control because she can be dominant if not held in check. I was trying to control them both and my friend offered some advice during a tense situation that wasn’t helpful. I snapped at her and was very rude.

However, I immediately apologised and said:

• “I’m really sorry I snapped at you. I was flustered at the time and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

This is different to a more manipulative apology:

• “I’m really sorry I snapped at you, but I was flustered at the time.”

You might think that the second example is fine to use, after all, all you are doing is explaining the situation. However, while is it good to explain, using a ‘but’ weakens the initial part of the apology. You are apologising, however, you are giving yourself an excuse to get out of the situation.

3. Rushing you to accept their apology

• “Look, I’m sorry, OK?”
• “I’ve said sorry, let’s move past this.”
• “Why are you bringing this up again? I already said sorry.”

According to research, people offer manipulative apologies for specific reasons. Karina Schumann believes that one is a lack of empathy for the other person. Be wary if a loved one is rushing you to accept an apology or being dismissive of your feelings. It could show a lack of concern for you in general.

If someone loves you, they will not want to rush or push an issue under the carpet and forget about it. If you are hurting, they should want to do everything in their power to help you.

Rushing you or getting irritated with you because you cannot ‘move on’ is a sign of a lack of respect.

4. Gifts instead of a sincere apology

There’s that old joke when a married guy brings his wife flowers home and she wonders what he has done wrong. Expensive gifts or gestures are not genuine apologies. Buying someone a gift without saying sorry is a manipulative apology.

Whether it is a trip he has always wanted, a piece of jewellery you know she has talked about, or even something simple like arranging a boys’ night out for your guy. If you are not saying the words: “I am sorry”, you are being manipulative.

You put the other person in an awkward position of having to accept your gift, but the problem is not really resolved.

5. Dramatic, over-the-top apologies

• “Oh my God, I’m so so sorry! I’m begging you to forgive me!
• “How will you ever forgive me?”
• “Please accept my apology, I’ll simply die if you don’t.”

These types of manipulative apologies are more about the person giving the apology than the feelings of the recipient. Narcissists and people with big egos will offer up over-the-top and inappropriate apologies like these.

However, it’s not about you or how sorry they are. Their grand gestures are to boost their self-image. You might notice that these dramatic apologies occur when they have an audience. Dramatic as their apology appears, it is shallow and without authenticity.

Final thoughts

It is easy to fall into a trap of being manipulative when apologising, even if you don’t mean to be. The trick is to take responsibility for what you have done, and not blame the other person for how they feel.

References:

• psychologytoday.com

Janey Davies

 

 

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

 

Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.

 

How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You? 15 Things to Expect

How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You? 15 Things to Expect

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on July 28, 2024

 

Narcissists have an over-inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement. They go to extraordinary lengths to protect and preserve this self-image, using any method necessary.

One way a narcissist maintains their coveted image is to control how others see them. By controlling what people think, they create their own narrative in which they are the superstar.

Narcissists need this exclusive audience of one to supply their own needs. So, what happens when narcissists lose this control? How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?

How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?

HG Tudor is the pseudonym of a self-confessed narcissist. He is an expert on the characteristics of narcissists and offers advice on escaping their controlling behavior. Tudor says narcissists have three distinct ways of regaining control over you.

HG Tudor’s Three Assertions of Control They try to control you with manipulation tactics.

They try to control what others think about you with smear campaigns.

They assume control over you by discarding or ghosting you.

Narcissists control you with manipulation

Narcissists may resort to subtle or downright obvious forms of manipulation.

1. Love bombing

When a narcissist senses you becoming distant, they may go to great lengths to reel you back in. They might declare undying love, buy you extravagant gifts, or promise to change their behavior.

2. Gaslighting

Narcissists use gaslighting techniques to make you feel as if you’ve done something wrong to cause them to act the way they did. They distort reality, forcing you to doubt yourself. They are pathological liars that twist past events, causing you to question your recollections.

3. Hoovering

Hoovering is a tactic used by narcissists to keep their victims hooked in a cycle of abusive behavior. When the victim pulls away, the narcissist will plead for forgiveness, promising to change. They hoover you back in, then the toxic behavior starts again.

4. Guilt-tripping

Narcissists know you care for them, and they exploit this weakness of yours by playing the victim. They’ll use any trick in the book, from blaming others for their mistakes to their terrible childhood. Because you are a normal, empathic human being, you get sucked into their pity party.

5. Undermining your confidence

A well-balanced person with positive personality traits won’t fall for a narcissist’s BS. However, even the strongest minds find continued criticism taxing, especially when combined with an air of superiority.

6. Threats of self-harm

If none of the above manipulation tactics work, the narcissist will up their game and escalate their behavior. This might include threats to harm themselves or commit suicide if you don’t return to them. This is a desperate ploy by them to bully you back into the relationship.

Narcissists try to control what others think of you

If a narcissist cannot control what you do, they will move onto trashing the reputation you have with your friends, family and work colleagues.

7. Smear campaigns

Once a narcissist feels you regaining some semblance of power over them, they switch tactics and attack your reputation. They’ll tell outright lies about you to anyone who will listen. They’ll paint you as the crazy person and seek support from your friends and family to turn people against you.

8. Playing the victim

One way a narcissist attacks your reputation is to make out they are the victim and not you. Narcissists garner sympathy for your supposed offensive actions and now you are the bad guy, not them.

9. Isolation tactics

When a narcissist’s smear campaign works, it serves to alienate you from important people in your life. Narcissists are experts in sowing enough seeds of doubt to make your most loyal fan-base question your behavior. They do this so that you have no one to depend on and you must return to them.

10. The Blame Game

Narcissists project their own destructive behavior onto their victim. It’s another one of their twisted mind games. For example, if they are being unreasonable, they’ll accuse you of it; if they are cheating, they’ll say you are being unfaithful. It’s the old switcheroo tactic.

11. Outright sabotage

If the narcissist can’t control you or your friends, they’ll resort to complete and utter destruction of your life as you know it. Anything that brings you joy and happiness is now up for grabs and being threatened. They’ll gossip and badmouth you to anyone who listens.

Narcissists ghost or discard you, which gives them the illusion of control

Narcissists are disillusioned people, so if they can’t control you or what others think of you, they’ll dump you and say it was their decision all along. They do this with the following behavior:

12. Silent treatment

Silent treatment is a well-used tactic by covert narcissists who don’t want to confront their victims. Narcissists swing from extremes so one minute they’re all over you like a rash, the next you don’t hear from them. It’s an effective gaslighting tactic designed to keep you guessing.

13. Make you jealous

Narcissists use anyone and everyone to keep hold of their current supply. This includes new partners or exes. They’ll flaunt this new person in front of you to get a reaction.

14. Stalking behavior

Expect to see your ex-narcissist partner in random places where you are, but don’t expect them to own up to stalking you. After all, it’s embarrassing for them to admit you are affecting them so much.

15. Narcissistic rage

The mask of respectability slips once a narcissist realizes they have lost all control. This leads to narcissistic rage, where they lash out verbally or physically in the most vile and personal way. They’ll use your deepest confidences told to them in the utmost secrecy to shame or embarrass you.

So, how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you? If they can’t control you directly, they will try to influence people around you, and if that doesn’t work, they’ll dump you, drop all efforts of controlling behavior and pretend they are the ones in control after all.

How should you deal with a narcissist’s reaction to a loss of control over you?

Narcissists may use one or all three of the above methods of regaining control. It depends on the relationship, whether they are covert or overt narcissists, their coping mechanisms, and their personality.

If you think a narcissist is trying to take back control:

• Get support from friends and family
• Set strict boundaries
• Make yourself the priority
• Employ the Gray Rock Method of no contact

Final thoughts

Narcissists are parasites that only care about themselves. They’ll do anything to keep their narcissistic supply (you) and they won’t care how their actions affect you. If you have been strong enough to escape their clutches, don’t get sucked back into their distorted world when they try to regain control.

References:

psychologytoday.com

youtube.com

Janey Davies

 

 

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

 

Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.

 

14 Signs a Narcissist Is Playing Mind Games With You

14 Signs a Narcissist Is Playing Mind Games With You

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on May 10, 2024

 

 

With hindsight, a narcissist’s mind games are plain to see. However, it’s much harder to spot them at the beginning of a relationship.

Narcissists use a variety of manipulation techniques. For instance, love bombing hooks you in initially. Then they keep you dangling with hot and cold behaviors designed to gaslight you into accepting their version of reality. In this article, I’ll show you 14 signs a narcissist is playing mind games with you.

14 signs a narcissist is playing mind games with you

1. They blame you for everything that’s wrong in their life

The first sign a narcissist is playing mind games with you is blame-shifting. A narcissist is never wrong. They’ll never admit to making a mistake and if someone calls them out on their actions, the other person must be lying. Narcissists are parasites who don’t take the blame for their actions.

For example:

“If you were the sort of boyfriend I wanted, I wouldn’t have cheated. I told you to change, but you didn’t.”

They like to play the victim. This gets them special attention, which is something they crave. Only narcissists feel pain, wrongs, or slights. Blaming you is part of their gaslighting technique. It makes you question your reality. You walk on eggshells, wondering if you really are this awful person wrecking their life.

2. They criticize your friends, then befriend them

Narcissists like to isolate their latest supply from their network of friends and family. Removing this support is crucial, as they don’t want rational people questioning their behavior. They criticize your friends and badmouth them, making it difficult for you to justify seeing them.

But they twist this dynamic even further. Once you’re isolated, they move in on your friends and charm the hell out of them. This is a vicious tactic. They swoop in and gather up the friends they insisted you ditch.

3. They are hot and cold towards you

Playing hot and cold throws you off balance. Narcissists go from ‘You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me’ or ‘I can’t imagine my life without you’ immediately to ‘I want to sleep with other men’ or ‘I never found you attractive.’

Psychologists describe this as love bombing followed by immediate devaluation.

4. They constantly change the frequency and quality of their messages

Another one of the 14 signs a narcissist is playing mind games with you is a change in their messages. At the start of the relationship, they would send long and meaningful texts. They’d engage with you; their answers would be thoughtful and considered.

Nowadays, they are short and lazy. Instead of replying with messages of substance, they fire off quick memes or low-quality texts. They become less personal and more informational. The love and compassion are missing. The messages could be for anyone.

5. They pretend to care about you in private, then belittle you in public

Narcissists make you believe they are the only ones that care about you. Only they understand you and what you’ve been through.

When you’re alone with them, you feel secure and loved. Then there comes a time when they’re sarcastic and cruel to you in public and you don’t understand what’s happening. When you’re alone together, they’re like a different person.

6. They give you just enough love to keep you hooked, then cut you off

Narcissists use a technique called ‘bread crumbing’ to keep you invested in the relationship. They give you a few tidbits here and there to make you think there’s a chance the relationship can still work. Then they go cold turkey and withdraw that love and affection.

Finally, you’re done and at that moment, they hoover you back in with promises to change, declarations of undying love, and you are hooked again. This is about power and control. Narcissists like to think of you dangling and waiting for them to make a move.

7. They criticize you ‘for your own good’

Constructive criticism is a valuable tool for personal growth, but not when the intent behind it is to demean or knock your confidence. A narcissist will subtly point out your failings under the guise of ‘constructive feedback’ or ‘genuine concern’.

8. They get you to open up, then use your weakness against you

Narcissists like to have ammunition to use against you when needed. To this end, they pretend to care about you, so you’ll open up and reveal your deepest, darkest secrets and fears. They get you to trust them enough to become your greatest confidant.

Then, once you’re relaxed and feeling secure, they use your fears to demolish you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re still in the relationship or you’ve broken up. They use your words against you to argue while you’re still together, or to further isolate you from everyone when you’re apart.

9. They sabotage what you are doing

No one can be better than a narcissist. So, if there’s any chance of you stealing their limelight, they spring into action. They don’t want you to succeed because then you’ll outshine them, and you might not need them.

Narcissists will do anything they can to sabotage you; from giving wrong advice, not telling you about important messages, making suggestions or comments that undermine you or fixating on something irrelevant. Narcissists prefer you in a weakened state because it tethers you to them emotionally.

10. They use ‘triangulation’ to turn everyone against you

Narcissists turn people against you using a tactic called ‘triangulation’. This is a psychological threesome described by psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Karpman. He first introduced the term to describe the parts people play in a conflict situation:

• The Persecutor – Someone who instigates the conflict.
• The Victim – The person at the receiving end of the persecution.
• The Rescuer – A mediator trying to resolve the conflict.

The narcissist will draw in a third party to influence the outcome of the conflict in their favor. Typically playing the victim, narcissists filter all information, putting themselves in a favorable light and casting doubt on you.

For example:

• At work, management reprimands the narcissist about their lateness. In response, the narcissist says you promised to give them a lift and let them down.

11. There’s one rule for you and one rule for them

Narcissists lay down rules once they establish the relationship. But these rules only apply to you. If you don’t abide by them, it causes problems.

For example, they’ll insist you are an exclusive couple; not only that, but they’ll accuse you of cheating many times. Then you find out they’ve been sleeping with other people. When you confront them, they blame you. You are too suffocating. They felt trapped. You left them alone, and they felt lonely.

Perhaps they expect an instant reply when they text you, but they take hours or even ignore your messages. If you complain, they’ll say they’re busy at work and you shouldn’t be so needy.

12. They don’t want you to go out, but they can’t leave you home alone

As narcissists become more controlling, they’ll insist on even more ridiculous rules for you. One example is they won’t want you to accompany them to parties or get-togethers because you’re too attractive and other people might fancy you. Or they can’t trust you not to go off and have affairs with everyone you meet.

However, they can’t leave you at home because who knows who’ll you’ll be texting while they’re out. They won’t be able to enjoy the party because they’re worrying too much about what you’re getting up to behind their back. How are you supposed to negotiate this dilemma? Either way, it’s your fault.

13. They deliberately provoke you

Drama and conflict are a narcissist’s best friends. They provoke you like a cat playing with a dead mouse. Narcissists feed on negative energy. It recharges their batteries.

The more frustrated and upset you get, the more they love it. You get angry, they smile; you cry, they laugh. Imagine being caught in a spider’s web and the spider is on the edge of the web, watching you struggle while it manipulates the surrounding environment.

14. They’re active on social media but ignoring you

Narcissists love being passive aggressive. It’s another form of gaslighting and makes you question the validity of your feelings. If you’re on social media and you can see the narcissist is online but not replying to your pasts, they’ll just say they’re busy and the world doesn’t revolve around you.

You start to think perhaps you are overreacting? Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive?

Final thoughts

If you recognize any of the 14 signs a narcissist is playing mind games with you, my advice is to end the relationship. Use the Gray Rock method and cut off all contact. Seriously, they’re not worth your time or effort.

References:

• psychologytoday.com
• researchgate.net

Janey Davies

 

 

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

 

Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.

 

11 Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do (and the Reasons Why)

11 Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do (and the Reasons Why) 

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on February 4, 2024

 

 

The world has two types of narcissists: overt and covert. They both crave attention and praise, but in different ways. The overt narcissist is grandiose exhibitionist, entitled and extroverted in their behavior. A covert narcissist feels unworthy, lacks confidence, is full of self-doubt, and is more introverted.

As a result, the covert narcissist is less easy to spot. Covert narcissists are shy and, therefore, subtle in their actions. Indeed, many of us won’t know them until we are in a close relationship with them. There are, however, weird things covert narcissists do which help us identify them.

11 Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do

1. They steal your thunder

One of the first weird things covert narcissists do is steal your thunder. A covert narcissist doesn’t brag about their so-called achievements the same way an overt narcissist does. Overt narcissists demand you pay attention to their latest story.

Covert narcissists like to piggyback or jump on your bandwagon with outrageous tales of their own. Whatever you tell them, they’ll top it with something more spectacular or entertaining. For instance, if you’ve ever donated to charity, they completed the Iron Man Challenge, raising thousands in the process.

2. They reveal their trauma early on

It doesn’t matter whether you are a friend, a potential love interest, or a colleague. Talking about trauma early in the relationship is another weird thing covert narcissists do.

They are extremely open about past traumatic events after a brief encounter. Covert narcissists have no problem recounting the most horrific details soon after meeting you. They do this to gain your sympathy and trust.

3. They have a weird way of apologizing

Narcissists don’t apologize because nothing is their fault. However, covert narcissists have a weird way of saying sorry. It’s often long-winded, revolves around them, and is a way of explaining their unacceptable behavior. They’ll discuss how their life’s traumas have shaped them.

Make no mistake, they’ll tear at your heartstrings. This is the point, of course. You’ll find the apology will be extremely harsh on their actions, forcing you to sympathize.

4. They won’t try anything new

We all have food we won’t eat, or music we don’t like, but we’re not afraid of trying something new to see if we like it. Covert narcissists refuse to try anything new.

They are picky about what they eat, the clothes they wear, the places they frequent, even sex. Everything must be perfect for them to have the usual vanilla sex, with absolutely no deviation.

5. They always put themselves down

Shame and self-loathing occupy the minds of covert narcissists, so they’ll never big themselves up like overt narcissists do. Instead, they’ll be self-deprecating in the hope you’ll build them up with compliments and messages of reassurance.

If you don’t get the hint when they put themselves down, supplying the desired response, they can explode in anger, with you wondering what on earth just happened.

6. But they portray themselves as saints

The covert narcissist is happy to tell you about all the times they helped someone. Donating money, volunteering, building, making, giving things away for friends, family or strangers. At first, they will impress you with their kindness and compassion. And, of course, helping others isn’t a red flag.

But as you get to know them, they’ll start complaining they are being taken for granted or not appreciated and the whole thing becomes a bit of a ‘poor me, I’m so good but so hard done by’.

7. They use ‘black and white’ thinking

One of the weird things covert narcissists do is use extreme language or ‘black and white’ thinking. For example, if something upsets them, you ‘always’ do this or you ‘never’ cared about them. The world is incredible or hellish. Women are amazing or mean b****s. There’s no grey area or nuance with a covert narcissist.

8. They hold on to the tiniest grudges

Something you have no recollection of becomes the focus of their rage in seconds. It’s as if they’ve kept notes of every tiny little thing you did wrong that upset them. Even if they said it was not a problem and they’ve moved on, clearly, they haven’t. They might pretend to be OK with something, only to bring it up again months, if not years later.

This behavior occurs during the devaluation phase of a relationship with a narcissist. This is a gaslighting technique designed to make you feel insecure. You try to placate the narcissist and your efforts result in a return to the idealization stage again.

9. They are happy/not happy for your success

You might expect your partner to be happy for your success, and in the beginning, they look as if they are. However, it will come at a cost. The enthusiasm first shown towards you soon fades into resentment, jealousy, and bitterness.

This is because covert narcissists are deeply envious of other people’s talents, achievements, etc. So, while at the start, they may seem like your greatest supporter, they’ll quickly become grumpy and sulk until the focus goes back on them.

10. They are experts in passive aggressive behavior

Lots of people are passive-aggressive. However, this is one of the main weird things covert narcissists do. Because of their low self-esteem, covert narcissists are afraid of direct confrontation.

So, they use passive aggressive techniques instead of dealing with a conflict. They’ll avoid talking face-to-face but are happy to engineer situations to put you in the wrong. For instance, they’ll deliberately tell you the wrong time to meet for dinner, then berate you for being late.

11. They like to accuse you of wrongdoing

Covert narcissists don’t like to fight, however, they will provoke arguments by accusing you of something you haven’t done. This is another form of gaslighting, designed to make you question your memory or reality. It won’t matter if you remain calm and level-headed.

In fact, that will infuriate them even more. They’ll accuse you of being a cold-hearted b**** if you refuse to engage with them.

Final Thoughts

As you can see, there are lots of weird things covert narcissists do, either to gaslight you, get your attention or sympathy, or simply to raise their self-esteem. If you have any experience with them, why not let us know?

References:

• medicalnewstoday.com
• sciencedirect.com

Janey Davies

 

 

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

 

Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.

 

7 Phrases Conversational Narcissists Use to Have the Upper Hand

7 Phrases Conversational Narcissists Use to Have the Upper Hand

By Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

learning-mind.com

Posted on August 24, 2023

The term “conversational narcissist” may seem like a made-up term, but it’s not. This type of narcissist will constantly attempt to steal the conversation, however they can. Sounds familiar?

A healthy exchange between two people would be an evenly spread two-way dialogue. Or rather, each person would have a chance to get their ideas across, wouldn’t you agree? An unhealthy exchange, on the other hand, is a more one-sided conversation. This is how the conversational narcissist flourishes.

What is a conversational narcissist?

A conversational narcissist is someone who constantly tries to rule a discussion. The spotlight must always be on this individual, even if they have to act in nefarious ways.

Now, I’m not saying that conversational narcissism spells narcissistic personality disorder because it doesn’t. This type of narcissist can either have insecurities or an inflated ego… or a little of both. And honestly, you may be doing this during conversations as well, and you just don’t recognize it.

Well, today, I’m going to give you a few phrases conversational narcissists use, and you can decide if this fits how you communicate.

1. “Well, my problems are worse than that!”

A conversational narcissist will always say they have it worse than you. And you may be wondering why they’d want to have more problems and struggles.

Well, the conversation couldn’t spotlight the narcissists if they didn’t have prominent problems. If the talk is about trouble, the narcissist will always want to have the most. Even the bad things keep them front and center.

2. “Don’t blame me for what happened!”

This one sometimes comes right out of nowhere. You may be talking about a mistake you’ve made, and the narcissist will take the opportunity to project their own victim mentality.

You probably never said anything about blaming them, but they will try to make you think that you did. And they will run with this idea for as long as possible. They may even bring it up in a later conversation, reminding you about how you blamed them for no reason. It’s truly a strange statement.

3. “You seem to be going kind of crazy lately”

This may not be their exact statement, but the idea here is gaslighting. Oh, how a narcissist loves to make you look incapable. They love to say things like,

“I could tell something was wrong with you because you claimed you never heard what I said. You also told me that I did things I didn’t do, and you started a fight with me!”

Yep, that was a long one, but doesn’t some part of that statement ring a bell? There are so many variations of “You’re crazy”, so it’s good to be discerning and pay attention to every way that a conversational narcissist can gaslight you.

4. “You’re kind of ignorant”

Not only does the narcissist gaslight you, but they try to make you think you’re dumb as well. During a conversation, pay attention to how the narcissist picks certain topics from what you say and attempts to make them seem incorrect.

I’ve actually watched someone like this tell a mathematician that they were wrong about fractions. They even went as far as to back up their nonsense with proclamations of Google searches that proved the mathematician wrong. And when the narcissist noticed they were losing ground, they said,

“Whatever, this is a stupid conversation”.

Do you see what happened there?

5. “I cannot believe you fell for that.”

I see a bunch of conversational narcissists discussing politics lately. This is a common statement when one of them wants to prove that their friend with the opposite political beliefs is wrong. No matter the relevant point, the narcissist will try to make their friend feel wrong for personal beliefs, morals, and standards.

Here’s the truth: none of us is perfect, including our political ideals. The narcissist thrives off arguments on topics like this.

6. “Just listen to what you’re saying.”

This statement is often delivered in a sarcastic tone, reminding you that your points make no sense. The narcissist wishes to make you feel ashamed about what you’re saying and then prompts you to say something else.

This is when the narcissist imposes their own skewed view of things and tries to convince you that their ideas are more logical, which is a fallacy.

7. “You people are all the same”

This narcissistic statement is usually a bigoted or racist statement, but the narcissist doesn’t mind that. Whether they are talking to someone of a different culture, religion, or socio-economic status, the narcissist will see who they are as better.

The conversation can be going pretty well, and then out of the blue, they will say something like this. It’s wounding and surprising, as it’s mixed with all sorts of “love-bombing” type compliments. This toxic individual really knows how to catch you off-guard, weaving and spinning their web.

Guarding against conversational narcissists

Is this you? Is this one of your friends or family members? If you catch yourself talking over people and interrupting them, then just practice listening more often.

There are different degrees of being narcissistic in a conversation, and not everyone who interrupts others is a conversational narcissist… or are they? This one keeps me thinking. If this doesn’t describe you, then it could very well be someone else, and you’ll need to understand how to deal with them.

The first thing you must remember is to keep your guard up around this type of character. They may seem harmless at first, but before you know it, they can make you forget who you really are.

A narcissist will tunnel their way into your conversation and say some of the most outlandish things you’ve ever heard. The worst part: they’ll have you believing what they’re saying, due to the covert manipulation. So, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Featured image by benzoix on Freepik

Sherrie Hurd

About the author:

 

Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

Staff writer at Learning Mind
Sherrie Hurd is a professional writer and artist with over 20 years of experience. As a survivor of childhood trauma and multiple types of abuse, she is an advocate for mental health awareness. Sherrie manages multiple mental illnesses, including anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. With this background and personal experience, she strives to help others overcome trauma and abuse, cope with mental illness, and heal over time.

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