19 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting Most People Ignore (But Shouldn’t)

19 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting Most People Ignore (But Shouldn’t)

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on July 29, 2023

Gaslighting has become the buzzword of the last decade. Most of us can state the obvious signs; deliberate isolation, demeaning behavior, making you doubt your memory, and second-guessing yourself. So, are there subtle signs of gaslighting?

Gaslighting is an insidious way of controlling someone, but it doesn’t start with obvious behavior. If it did, we’d spot it immediately and ditch the abuser.

For gaslighting to be truly effective, it must be subtle at first. A gaslighter will cross small lines to begin with; ones you may not even notice. Only then will they bring out the big guns. Being able to spot the less obvious signs now can save you from a toxic relationship in the future.

19 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting

1. Putting down important people in your life.

Manipulators know they have a better chance of controlling someone once isolated. However, if your partner suddenly asked you to stop seeing the important people in your life, you’d push against them.

Instead, they’ll start badmouthing your family or best friends. They’ll tell you that someone is a bad influence on you and perhaps you shouldn’t spend so much time with them. You don’t need people like that around you, they only bring you down. That you are better than them.

2. Being incapable of decision-making, then complaining about your choices.

Isn’t it annoying when someone won’t make a decision and then complains about the ones you make? Why do people do this?

There are several reasons; it’s a way of undermining your confidence and it is how manipulators shift the blame from themselves to others. Refusing to decide on a course of action and then moaning about your decision is a sneaky way of making you doubt yourself.

3. Changing their mind constantly and expecting you to keep up with them.

One of the more subtle signs of gaslighting is when someone constantly changes their mind. This is designed to make you doubt yourself. You question your memory.

When someone keeps changing their mind, it’s the equivalent of having the rug pulled from underneath your feet. You don’t know where you stand, literally. Moreover, it makes you anxious about future events.

4. Initially liking something about you then after a while putting you down about it.

Before I dated one guy, he would tell me how much he liked my outgoing and friendly nature. When we dated, he would get into a bad mood if I looked at or talked to another man. He would accuse me of having affairs, of eyeing up guys, and frequently would call me a slag. What he liked about me, in the beginning, he hated once we dated.

5. Implying you’re overreacting to a situation they’ve created.

This is classic gaslighting behavior, but it will start off subtly. The gaslighter will accuse you of being over-sensitive. You can’t take a joke. They’ll tell you to relax or chill out. You are the only person upset in these situations.

But you know how you feel. If only one person is accusing you of being overly sensitive, this is a subtle sign of gaslighting.

6. Telling you ‘They’re just being honest’ when talking about your faults.

Aren’t you fed up with people who use phrases like ‘I’m just being honest’ or ‘I’m only telling it like it is’? This sort of behavior winds me up especially when I haven’t asked for advice.

This potential gaslighter does not have your best interests at heart. Here’s an idea, try bringing up one of their faults and see how they react. Then tell them ‘Hey, I’m just being honest’.

7. Bad-mouthing you to their friends and family behind your back.

I had a friend once; we called her BS Sue. She would shower you with attention when you were with her. She became my best friend. Then I noticed my other friends dropping off the radar or acting weird whenever I saw them.

Turns out, BS Sue was telling lies about me and alienating me from my other friends. Look out for changes with friends and family members. This could be one of the more subtle signs of gaslighting you haven’t considered.

8. Being over-the-top friendly to someone in your presence then hating them behind their back.

You might not relate this to one of the subtle signs of gaslighting, but it’s also a good way to judge character. You can tell if someone has integrity or not by the way they speak about them when they’re not around. But this is not just about integrity.

Acting one way and then behaving in another makes you feel off balance. You cannot trust what they’re saying from one moment to the next? How do you know when they’re telling the truth? You don’t, and that’s the point.

9. Claiming not to remember something hurtful about you they’d said in the past.

This subtle sign of gaslighting makes you question your recollection. Do you remember the situation correctly? Did this person say that? Perhaps you are overreacting or misremembering. You’re confused, which is exactly what the gaslighter wants.

10. Suggesting you should do something out of your comfort zone and then berating you for being negative.

I have a friend who learned to drive an automatic car. She wasn’t a confident driver, so an automatic suited her. Her boyfriend at the time kept pressurizing her to learn in a manual. She didn’t want to. He bought her a manual car to learn in, even though she didn’t ask or want to learn in one. That manual car sat on their drive as a constant reminder of how useless she was.

If you don’t want to do something, that’s up to you.

11. Constantly making promises and never keeping them.

This is another subtle gaslighting sign you might not immediately associate with manipulation. For example, some people are always late; that’s just who they are. However, if they mean to be on time, they’ll apologize for their lateness.

Making promises and never keeping them keeps you on edge. Are they going to turn up? Will they pay the bills this month? Can they keep their job this time?

12. Using your mental or physical problems to lower your self-esteem.

Mental health or physical problems are like catnip to a manipulator. They use your problems to goad, berate, or degrade you. Constant belittling lowers your self-esteem, making it easier for them to control you.

13. Saying they didn’t intend to upset you.

This is a little like the ‘I’m only being honest’ subtle sign of gaslighting. It’s a way of getting away with saying or doing something that does upset you.

You know when people say things like ‘No disrespect but…’ and then say something disrespectful? Of course, they intended to upset you; they just didn’t want you to argue about it.

14. If they apologize, they say ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’

An apology that isn’t an apology. If someone is genuinely sorry, they’ll take responsibility for their actions. Saying they’re sorry for the way you feel leaves them unaccountable.

15. Arbitrarily withholding affection for no obvious reason.

It’s so disheartening when a partner rejects you when you go to them for a kiss or hug, but what a great way to lower someone’s esteem!

Fear of rejection can go back to childhood. It’s triggering for some people. The rejecting person can dismiss your reaction by explaining it away. For example, they have a headache, they’re tired, they’re concentrating on work, etc. You come across as a nagging, whiny, sad sap.

16. Lying about small things that don’t matter.

Lying about inconsequential things is an effective but one of the more subtle signs of gaslighting. You never know where you are with this person. They’ll deny the truth even when presented with the facts.

17. Changing the subject abruptly and projecting their faults onto you.

You’ll find that they quickly change the subject when a gaslighter is running out of lies. Watch out for replies like

“Oh I haven’t got time for this nonsense” or “I’ve got more important things to do”.

If they really want to get out of the situation, they’ll turn it around and accuse you of what you’re asking them to explain.

18. Leaves your text messages on ‘read’ but doesn’t reply.

This is one of the more modern subtle signs of gaslighting. It’s frustrating when you know a person has read your message but hasn’t answered it for hours or even days.

However, it’s also a genius passive-aggressive technique. Manipulators will lie and say they haven’t seen your message or that you shouldn’t be so needy; they’ll answer when they can fit you in.

19. Uses ambiguous language and then berates you for not understanding what they meant.

The final example of my subtle signs of gaslighting is vague language. Gaslighters deliberately use ambiguous language to confuse you or make you feel uncertain. Their aim is to make you feel crazy or over-sensitive. You question your memory or second-guess yourself.

Final Thoughts

I said at the start, if gaslighting was obvious, we’d recognize it and run a mile. It must start off subtly to be effective. Hopefully, you’ll be able to spot the subtle signs of gaslighting before you get drawn into the manipulator’s web.

References:

• researchgate.net
• journals.sagepub.com
• scientificamerican.com

Janey Davies

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

Copyright © 2012-2023 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.

Innocent Guilt: 4 Ways Manipulators Trick You into Feeling Guilty and Lying

Innocent Guilt:

4 Ways Manipulators Trick You into Feeling Guilty and Lying

By Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

learning-mind.com

Posted on June 11, 2023

If you’ve been in the company of a manipulator for a long time, you will start acting in toxic ways yourself. For instance, you will lie about innocent things.

• It’s called innocent guilt and it’s a real thing. You see, there are four main levels of guilt, but they do not include innocent guilt.
• 
  
• Natural guilt – You’ve done something wrong, and you feel bad about it
• Toxic guilt – You constantly have an unfounded feeling that you are not a good person
• Existential guilt – You feel guilty for the injustices in the world
• Survivor’s guilt – When you feel bad for surviving when others die after tragedies

Emotional manipulation

While some forms of guilt are healthy, others are not. As for innocent guilt, it can damage your self-worth through the fear of confrontation, the acceptance of misplaced responsibilities, and lying. So, how does the manipulator trick you into feeling so guilty that you turn to this toxic behavior?

1. The guilt trip

It’s like falling over something that isn’t really there. Manipulators are people who want things their way and that’s all. So, the reason why we lie out of misplaced guilt is so we do not have to endure the disgusting performance of guilt-tripping.

Let’s say you really don’t want to go see a movie because you’re busy. However, to prevent the manipulator from making you look inconsiderate with a guilt trip, you just say,

“Yes, I would like to go, and yes, I am excited about the show.”

First, you do something you don’t really want to do, and you lie about how you feel in the situation. And this is all because, apparently, “You don’t love them” if you aren’t as excited as they are about the movie. I am totally serious – people like this exist.

2. Truth isn’t worth the trouble

Unfortunately, some people, namely significant others, tear apart your truth, trying to find fault. So, if this happens so much, it may become easier to tell a lie that’s simple.

For example, if you suddenly get a text from a cousin and you go for a visit, you know that your boyfriend will ask a million questions and act suspicious, as he seems to be quite manipulative. So, you tell him you stayed home all day, despite the fact that your visit with your cousin was completely innocent. It’s easier.

3. The guilt of success

Manipulators are toxic and so they feel uncomfortable when others are successful. If you have a manipulative girlfriend and you won an award, you may feel tempted to hide this from her. Let’s say, she was aware that you entered a contest, and she asks if you won.

So, to prevent jealousy and insecurity, you may lie to her. Now, this isn’t always easy to cover up, as awards are announced in some form or another. But if you can hide it, you may do that if your mate is prone to secretly wishing for your failure. And you will know when this is that type of person.

4. Information is used against you

There are some manipulators that are so maniacal that they will use any information about you as a weapon, even the truth. Sometimes, it’s easier to say you had a normal childhood than share truths about childhood tragedies.

And this is also true about day-to-day activities or information. If you have a manipulative friend, you may choose to lie about concerns and problems just to keep them from gaining too much information.

For example, you’re having issues with your children and your friend can tell that something is bothering you. So, they ask you what’s wrong. Instead of talking about your problems, you lie and say nothing is wrong.

Yes, you can’t simply say you don’t want to talk about it because manipulators take offense to this statement. Sometimes they use guilt to persuade you. And so, you may even elaborate with more lies. Because you’ve learned that the person you thought was a friend wants your information to possibly use it against you in the future.

The pain of innocent guilt

While it may seem harmless to lie to manipulative people, you’re creating a bad habit. Sometimes the lies will spill over into healthy relationships, and this is unfortunate.

It’s another reason why choosing your relationships, friends, and overall acquaintances is so important. Innocent lies are still lies, and we should always strive to be better and do better, no matter how difficult it may seem.

Best wishes.

Sherrie Hurd

About the author:

 

Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

Staff writer at Learning Mind
Sherrie Hurd is a professional writer and artist with over 20 years of experience. As a survivor of childhood trauma and multiple types of abuse, she is an advocate for mental health awareness. Sherrie manages multiple mental illnesses, including anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. With this background and personal experience, she strives to help others overcome trauma and abuse, cope with mental illness, and heal over time.

Copyright © 2012-2023 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us. 

Who’s Lying and Who’s Telling the Truth?

Who’s Lying and Who’s Telling the Truth?

The 9D Arcturian Council

Channel: Daniel Scranton

Posted on May 20, 2023

Greetings. We are the Arcturian Council. We are pleased to connect with all of you.

We are exceptional at using discernment to feel something out, and we know that it is through practice that we got to this level of proficiency. We come in contact with so many beings and collectives throughout the universe, and we can immediately feel into the level of sincerity that is within the communication, the interaction. This is a muscle that you want to start exercising more frequently. Instead of immediately sending a link to someone else and asking that person what they think, realize that you have the answer inside of you right then and there. And if you are willing to feel into the vibration of what you have been presented, and the presenter, you will be so much better off in all of your dealings with other humans and with extra-terrestrials.

The day is coming, of course, when you will all be open books to one another. You will all be able to read each other’s energy fields, and you will all be telepathic, but you are not there yet, and you need your discernment now more than ever, because there are always multiple perspectives on what is going on there on Earth. There are always multiple perspectives on every single issue that faces humanity, and some people can be very persuasive with their words, with their rhetoric. And sometimes the more confident a person seems in what they are saying, the more people they get to agree with them.

Ultimately, you want to have your connection to higher wisdom, to higher-dimensional beings, to downloads that are meant specifically for you, but in the meantime, you are where you are. And you do rely heavily on information; this has been called ‘The Information Age.’ There are those who think they are telling you the truth, but are not, and then there are those who know they are not telling you the truth, and are very good at convincing people that it is the truth. 

And there is the truth that all truths are true from a certain perspective. All realities are real. So the question then becomes, ‘Are you using your discernment to determine which reality you are in, or are you using it to determine which reality you want to be in?’ Ultimately, you want to be very deliberate about choosing the reality you want to be in. So if someone presents you with a version of reality that seems a lot better than the one you’ve been experiencing, then we suggest you gravitate towards that vibration and what that person is telling you. 

So you see, using your discernment is step one, and step two is always choosing which reality you want to make real, you want to make true in your experience and for the greatest and highest good of all. When you have that as your goal, as your desire, and when you know that you can create those realities that are better for everyone, then you can move beyond trying to figure out whether something is true or not, and you can start making the reality you want to experience the one true reality.

We are the Arcturian Council, and we have enjoyed connecting with you.

 

Daniel Scranton 

 

 

https://danielscranton.com/

 

 

Consider the State You Are In

Consider the State You Are In

Midwayer Chief Bzutu (ABC-22)

is the teacher

Received by George Barnard

Illawarra District, Australia, 

Posted May 17, 2023

Illawarra District Australia, March 24, 2014

Bzutu: “In my view, our brother Thuroc has answered questions in a rather generous fashion of late. Most of us dwelling in Urantia’s morontia realm agree on there being few statesmen on the planet – clowns to the left, jokers to the right, fools right in the middle. The stage has been set in the lying and spying departments with everyone spying on everyone else, and it is hoped that one can turn the other honest in such a percentage of instances that we may see gradual positive changes on a world-wide basis, and before too long.

“Is it possible that this incidental means of illegal oversight might have the effect of making you more honest. Might I just correct these hasty words right now … and suggest that the not-so-well-hidden ‘big brother’s monitoring ways’ might make you less devious in your behavior as a group. The Correcting Time is not negotiable. It will feed into the first few decades of an evolving era of Light and Life, however, things could progress a little faster to our liking. We keep hoping that as a group you will come to your God-given senses.

“There are many drawbacks to living on this previously isolated, long time rebellious planet. Large numbers of you are bereft of the type of education that most beneficially suits your aptitude and passion, if indeed you were born in a part of the world where an education can be afforded at all. Ever so many of you have your lives interrupted by wars and dire economical circumstances. Granted, this is not really the ideal place to ‘come to terms with’ everyday mortal life, and make a great success of it, as is the saying.

“However, there are hidden advantages in ‘being rudely introduced to human living’ on this planet. Those who manage to live a productive, ethical existence are loved by their angels and truly, little more than such a life is expected of them. Those who find time for others – yes, caring mothers as a matter of cause – are treasured on High together with all those who reach out to others in need. Those who strike up a partnership with, and assist their Thought Adjusters in building their morontia souls, are the all-time winners.

“For these troopers of mortal existence there is little to be considered out of reach in their lengthy pilgrimage to Paradise. See it now clearly in your minds’ eyes, my friends, that for those willing to battle the distractions of the spiritual of a former rebellious world, the rewards will be enormous, so consider the state you are in and now make the very best of this life for the eternal rewards it will bring. This is ABC-22 saying Adieu.”

 

 

© The 11:11 Progress Group.

We are each other at our spiritual Root Source –

ABC-22, January 1972

www.1111AkashicConstruct.com•11:11 Store

 

  

 

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10 Signs of Ill-Wishers in Your Circle Who Set You Up for Failure

10 Signs of Ill-Wishers in Your Circle Who Set You Up for Failure

By Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

learning-mind.com

Posted on March 31, 2023

Friendships are important to your overall health and wellbeing. But be careful, the friends in your social circle could be secretly wishing for your failure in life. Are there ill-wishers among your friends?

Whether you care for social aspects in life, it is healthy to socialize and make friends. To extroverts, this may be easy and come naturally. Even introverts have a carefully selected friend group.

However, there are those friends who pretend to like you, and meanwhile, they secretly hope that you fail.

Are there ill-wishers in your circle?

There are signs of ill-wishers within your social group. While it may be difficult to pick them out, if you look closely, you can see the telltale indicators.

So, what are some of the signs that your friends aren’t rooting for your success? Let’s look.

1. Highly competitive

There is nothing wrong with being a little competitive with friends. However, if you have someone in your social circle that constantly competes against you, they probably don’t want you to succeed in life.

Pay attention to that person or persons who always tries to “one-up” your achievements. They really don’t want you to win at anything.

2. Constantly breaking your boundaries

Friends in your social circle that have your best interests in mind will respect your boundaries. But ill-wishers will always find ways to break them.

For instance, you probably have boundaries revolving around your standards and morals, and people who secretly want you to fail will constantly push these boundaries.

3. They regularly insult you

Those friends who wish you ill may question your beliefs and insult you because of things you do not tolerate. These are usually individuals who generalize your dislike and call it hatred, which are two different things.

Maybe they figure if they accuse you of having hatred all the time, you will change your standards and accept things you feel are abusive. This can ruin your life, and they know this.

Insults can come in many ways from insulting your looks to your emotions, but it’s all designed to bring you down.

4. Encouraging your bad behavior

Let’s be honest, we all have certain bad behaviors. But ill-wishers encourage our darker side, and it’s usually for two reasons: Our negative actions are entertaining, and they love to watch us crash and burn.

Think about those friends who neg you into driving fast and breaking the law, do you really think they have your best interests in mind?

What about the friend who suggests you physically confront someone who has wronged you, what do you think that shows?

5. There’s no support

There’s also another sign of an ill-wisher that may not be as obvious as the others. Some friends may not be noticeably mean or toxic, but they just might not care about you.

It could be a subtle indicator that shows they don’t support you like having little to say when you announce a success story. Although you get excited when they fulfill a dream, they don’t seem to reciprocate this excitement.

In fact, their lack of care could be silent resentment. It could be that they do notice, they are jealous, and so they refuse to be happy for you. Deep down inside, they want you to fail so they can shine.

6. They love to use you

Friends who really don’t care about your success will use you for their own gain. While they may tell you that they support and love you, their actions will prove otherwise.

They may call you constantly for advice or knock on your door, but when you need help, they are nowhere to be found.

7. Highly judgmental

You may do something that isn’t all that positive, but an ill-wisher will blow this out of proportion. Then they will judge you for this slight.

Even after weeks or months, they will bring up this “failure” to remind you that you’re imperfect. Mentally healthy people don’t do this.

8. Lying and gossiping

If you find out that a friend in your social circle is spreading gossip about you, it’s probably because they’re trying to take you down. Why? Well, there could be a couple of reasons.

They may have just singled you out if they perceive weakness, or they have some grudge from who knows when.

Either way, they are ill-wishers in your life. They do not want you to succeed. If you succeed, it will be more difficult to talk negatively about you. And most of the time, the ones who gossip are the nicest ones when face to face.

9. They triangulate you

Fake friends will triangulate you from your friends and family. In case you don’t know what this means, triangulation is when a particular friend will lie or gossip about you in an attempt to get closer to your family or friends.

Their goal is to isolate you from your loved ones. It literally feels like people you love are being stolen from you. And most of the time, these people are your greatest support system. Pay close attention to this sort of behavior.

10. Covert abuse

Any type of toxic behavior is used to make you fail. There’s just no other reason for using this type of tactic. And the behavior can be covert abuse – not easily recognizable.

Things such as gaslighting, deflecting, and failure to take responsibility can go under the radar. Before you know it, life is all about them and your dreams are on the backburner.

Pay close attention to every little detail once you get a whiff of abusive behavior.

Good wishers are healthy friends

Obviously, we want friends who support us and help us succeed in life. So, to do that, we must know the difference between those who wish us well and those who wish us ill outcomes.

I hope with this list of signs you can recognize who is rooting for you and who is setting you up for failure. And when you do see the truth, I hope you have the strength to remove those ill-wishers from your life. I wish you the best!

Sherrie Hurd

About the author:

 

Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

Staff writer at Learning Mind
Sherrie Hurd is a professional writer and artist with over 20 years of experience. As a survivor of childhood trauma and multiple types of abuse, she is an advocate for mental health awareness. Sherrie manages multiple mental illnesses, including anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. With this background and personal experience, she strives to help others overcome trauma and abuse, cope with mental illness, and heal over time.

Copyright © 2012-2023 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us. 

How to Read Body Language Like a Book: 9 Secrets Shared by a Former FBI Agent

How to Read Body Language Like a Book: 9 Secrets Shared by a Former FBI Agent

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Post on February 20, 2023

Programmes such as Criminal Minds, Faking It–Tears of a Crime, and FBI Most Wanted have brought profiling body language into the mainstream. We all think we know how to read body language. But if I asked you to give me three signs that someone is lying, what would you say? Studies show that only 54% can accurately detect a lie.

So, perhaps we should look to people who are not only experts in body language, but have developed ground-breaking techniques in the science of detecting deception.

LaRae Quy worked in counterintelligence and as an undercover FBI agent for 24 years. Robert Ressler and John Douglas created criminal profiling based on body language and behavioral traits. And the UK’s Cliff Lansley examines the tiny body movements that show deception.

I’ve taken tips from LaRae Quy along with my other experts and here are their top secret tips.

How to Read Body Language: 9 Secrets from the Experts

Knowing how to read body language involves looking and listening for deviations, clues, and movements that give away our thoughts. Let’s start by looking.

1. Watch for normal behavior

How can you read body language when you don’t know the person? By looking at how they behave under normal conditions. Profilers call this ‘creating a baseline’.

For example, you have a friend that is excited to see you. One day she suddenly snaps at you in anger. She has deviated from her normal behavior/baseline. You immediately know that something is wrong. You can use this awareness when dealing with people you don’t know that well.

Building up a picture of how a person behaves when they’re not stressed is important. Once you know how someone acts when they are not under stress, it’s easier to spot when they are stressed.

2. What is the person doing differently?

Meeting someone for the first time, and talking about general topics like the weather, should not be stressful. As you chat, watch how they act. Are they talkative? Do they use a lot of hand gestures? Do they make good eye contact? Are they naturally fidgety or restrained in their movements?

Watch for changes when you move to a difficult topic. Have normally loud people suddenly gone quiet? If they usually look you in the eye, has their gaze deviated? Does the typically gesticulating person now have their hands in their pockets?

Now look for ‘tells’.

When we are under stress, our bodies give away clues or ‘tells’ indicating deception.

3. Blink rate

People think that direct eye contact is a good sign of telling the truth. However, it’s not so much eye contact but the blink rate that is important.

Body Language expert Cliff Lansley introduced us to the term ‘micro expressions’ where the body ‘leaks’ tiny gestures that belie our deception. People blink around 15–20 times a minute.

Blinking is an unconscious action. Some people think liars look away when they’re not telling the truth. Liars tend to stare whilst they are lying to convince you they are telling the truth.

However, watch for their blink rate. Studies show rapid blinking before or after talking is a sign of stress. No blinking, while they are staring at you, is also a sign of deception.

4. Mismatched synchronicity

If you want to know an easy way of reading body language, then just watch when people say yes or no. When we say yes, we nod our heads. Likewise, when we say no, we shake our heads. If the spoken yes or no matches our head movements, it is a reliable indicator we are telling the truth.

However, if the words and actions are not simultaneous, there is no synchronicity with what we are saying. It is a sign we have no confidence in what we are saying. Similarly, if we say yes and shake our heads or vice versa, this indicates lying.

5. Self-soothing gestures

Gestures such as stroking your legs, arms, hands or hair are called ‘self-soothing’ and can be a sign of deception.

You often see suspects in police interrogations rubbing or massaging parts of their bodies. They may even hug themselves by wrapping their arms around their body. Self-soothing gestures are exactly that; the person is comforting themselves because of an increase in stress.

Now let’s turn our attention to listening. Learning how to read body language isn’t just about watching people’s movements. It is also about the words and structure of what they say.

6. Qualifying language

Qualifiers are words that intensify or diminish another word. Criminals often use qualifiers to try to convince us of their innocence. Words such as honestly, absolutely, never, and literally bolster what we are saying.

If we are telling the truth, we don’t need these additional words. We use qualifying words and phrases as a convincing tactic to get others to believe us.

For instance:

“I swear to God.” “I honestly would not do that.” “I absolutely was not there.” “On my children’s life.”

There are also diminishing qualifiers such as:

“To the best of my knowledge.” “If I recall correctly.” “As far as I know.” “Honestly? I’m not sure.”

7. The linear narrative

Detectives use a brilliant question when starting off interviews with potential suspects:

“Tell me in as much detail as possible what you did yesterday, starting from when you got up.”

If you don’t know what you’re supposed to be looking for, this can seem like an odd tactic. However, detectives and FBI agents know something we don’t. But first, let’s look at an example.

You have two suspects; each one must account for their whereabouts the day before. One is telling the truth, and the other is lying. Which one is lying?

Suspect 1

“I got up at 7 am, went and had a shower. Then I made a cup of tea, fed the dog, and ate breakfast. After that, I got dressed, got my shoes and coat on, picked up my car keys, and got into my car. I stopped at a convenience store; it was around 8.15, to buy something for lunch. I arrived at work at 8.30 am.”

Suspect 2

“The alarm woke me up, and I got up, had a shower and got ready for work. I left at the usual time. Oh, hang on, I fed the dog before I left. I got to work a bit late. Yeah, I hadn’t made any lunch, so I stopped at a convenience store to get some food on the way there.”

So, have you guessed who is lying? Suspect 1 gives precise details in a linear timescale. Suspect 2 seems to be vague in their descriptions and their timeline goes backwards and forwards.

So, who is telling the truth?

The reason experts ask for a story-line of events is that when we lie, we tend to give our description of events in a linear narrative. In other words, we describe the start to finish, typically with exact times, and do not deviate from this start-to-end story-line.

As it is harder to remember a lie, we must cement that lie within an immovable structure. That structure is the defined linear start-to-finish story.

When we tell the truth, we jump all over the place, time-wise. This is because we are remembering events as we recall the memories in our minds. Some events are more memorable than others, so we recall them first. It is not natural to remember in a linear way.

So, listening to the story is important when you are learning how to read body language.

8. Nondescript descriptors

If I asked you to describe your kitchen, you’d be able to do it easily.

You might say that it is a galley-shaped kitchen with a low chef’s style sink next to a window facing the back garden. It has a minimalist look to it, as you don’t like clutter. The colors are grey and silver; the floor is linoleum, but it looks like tiles in a square, block pattern, and you have black appliances to match.

Now imagine you need to convince me you have stayed in a hotel room you’ve never seen before. How would you describe that room, if you had never been in it?

Your descriptors would be vague, without much detail. For example, you might say that it’s a typical hotel room layout. The bed was comfortable; the facilities are okay; you don’t mind the view and the parking was convenient.

See how the two descriptors are different? One is full of rich imagery, and the other is vague and could be applied to almost any hotel room.

9. Distancing tactics

It’s not natural to lie. We find it difficult, so we use tactics that make lying easier. Distancing ourselves from a victim or situation eases the stress of lying.

Remember Bill Clinton declaring:

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Clinton is distancing himself when he calls Monica Lewinsky ‘that woman’. Criminals often use this tactic in interrogations with the police. They will not use the victim’s name, substituting he, she, or them.

In another example, a BBC interviewer asked Prince Andrew about a particular event and he replied: “Didn’t happen.” Notice he did not say, “It didn’t happen.” By omitting ‘it’, he could be referring to anything.

Conclusion

I think knowing how to read body language is like having a superpower. You can evaluate people and situations by getting inside their minds without them knowing.

References:

• success.com
• stanford.edu

Janey Davies

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.