The What Is Series; What Is Love?

The What Is Series; What Is Love?

The Group of Nine

Channel: Steve Rother

Posted on September 13, 2024

 

 

 

Greetings from Home.

We join you this day with such pride and joy, for your energy has started to change on so many levels. You’re moving into the fifth dimensional reality that we have talked about for so long. Actually, you’ve been in this fifth dimensional reality for quite some time. But you’ve been using the old third dimensional rules, and the things you were taught as you grew up. As you evolve, you’ll see even more possibilities than you ever dreamt possible.

The main aspect of everything in life is the energy of love. Most of you still see things as up and down, right and wrong, good and bad. The reality is, you’re living in a land of polarity. But it’s all an illusion to help you play the game of pretending to be a human. It has set into motion the possibilities of the work that you’re doing, so that you can see contrast. You only see us because we contrast with the background. You’re accustomed to duality on so many different levels, and we’re going to work a bit with that.

Love

What exactly is love? The reality is that you express love in so many different ways. Because you live in a field of duality, you generally perceive it as loving one person. But that’s only a very limited aspect, there’s so much more. Love does not know the boundaries that many of you place upon it, it’s just what you were taught. We wish to take you a little further into this, and share what it looks like from our perspective.

Have you ever been in love? The reality is all of you have been in love multiple times in your life. You express it in different ways. Many of you have fallen in love with a single person. You have created a relationship that is marvelous, for it allows you to walk next to someone. But the reality is, once you find love, you don’t just live in love. Relationships must be continually built over time. Can you get comfortable and coast for a while? Well, in the third dimension that’s quite possible.

But in the fifth dimension it becomes different. Because when something stops being built, it starts to degrade. It’s like a grand wave of light and love. You will love many in your lifetime, whether you express it as that or not is entirely up to you and your belief systems. If you are able to build different levels with a person in a single relationship, it becomes very magical. It’s also somewhat rare.

So, What Is Love?

Love is when you can hold someone, or multiple people, so close that you see yourself. That may not have been what you wanted to hear. However, love is an expression of being able to see your spirit through the eyes of another. When someone looks at you and falls deeply in love, you have magic. It may only be for a fleeting time, because you live in polarity with the illusion of linear time. Know that love is not determined by the length of time you are together.

Many of you have known that the Keeper was married for a very long time. Not only married, but deeply in love. Even that relationship, which would be celebrating 52 years had she not graduated and gone Home, was probably about seven different relationships with the same person during that time. That is magical, as it keeps things alive and moving in different ways.

Recently the Keeper did several private sessions in which people said, “I want the relationship, but I want it with someone who has as much spirituality as I do.”Well, that might actually be rather boring. You have to wrestle with egos on your side of the veil. But that will be diminishing greatly, because as you step into the fifth dimension your ego fades. You can start to see things from the true perspective of spirit, rather than that of your ego.

That’s what is surfacing now in so many different areas of human life, dealing with the egos. It was a necessary evil that ensured your survival, to be able to see things from different perspectives. Ultimately to see yourself in that way was both magical and very difficult, but now your world is changing. In duality and the lower parts of the third dimension, you understood there were two types of love: conditional and unconditional. Actually, all love is unconditional. Love has to be unconditional if it is to survive the relationship, if it is to move to that next level.

What of Unconditional Love?

Many times we spoke about the Keeper’s marriage. The reality is that marriage is a statement of unconditional love: “I will love you.”However, often people understand it instead to mean, “I will love you only as long as you love me back.”That suffices for the third dimension, but as you move into the fifth dimension it doesn’t quite work the same way. The divorce rate on planet Earth is very high.

So, how is a relationship built? One of the easiest ways to work in a relationship and build love is to tell your partner all your secrets. Tell them your deepest, darkest thoughts and see what happens. You’ll start building this incredible trust that you could no other way. Although it’s magical, there’s so much more to it now.

Third Dimensional Ego

What about when a partner wants a spiritual person to walk alongside? You have to deal with these egos, so you’ll always be in competition to some degree. Often you can reach harmony, where one person’s ego is here and another’s is there. As you evolve, sometimes they even trade places and that’s perfect. But what happens if instead you have a gap? Well, then you start having a leaning relationship, in which one person leans upon the other.

We’ve even heard people say, “We’re going to work with this relationship. My partner is going to work with the spiritual aspects of it, so I don’t have to.”That doesn’t quite work, does it? When you have a leaning relationship one person moves forward and the other person falls. Dare to find a harmony, release your expectations, and just allow yourself to fall in love with who they are in this very moment.

Many people on planet Earth have fallen into these relationships where they feel someone has great potential. They say, “I have hope that in a year or two, we’ll be doing all of this.”Of course, this never works because then you are moving into the role of being their teacher. You can either be their teacher or their lover, but generally trying to be both doesn’t work. So, just fall in love.

Jealousy Is a Third Dimensional Reality

Almost all humans experience jealousy to some degree, and it’s a lower vibration. Again, it is because you have to deal with the ego. The ego has a lot to do with how you express love. Do you think that spirit, those of us from the other side of the veil, love you conditionally? No, not at all. The reality is you even have guides who sit on your shoulder. Many of you have even asked their names, so you can call them something.

The reality is these are the spirits who love you enough to watch you make all the mistakes. They’re telling you, “Turn right, turn right,” and then they watch you as you turn left. But they love you just the same and they’re still there for you. That is unconditional love. When it comes to relationships, is it possible that you love someone enough to let them go? Yes, that is one of the greatest forms of love.

When you actually reach that level, you can decide. “We have reached the end of our relationship. Are we going to build it further, or are we going to let it go?”What if you have fallen in love with someone else? Can I let you go in love and be thankful for the energy that I’ve had with you? That is fifth dimensional love. It’s a process that you’re all working with right now. Yes, it’s difficult and somewhat of a stretch for many humans. Even just hearing the words doesn’t always land easily, but here we are.

Someone Asked, “What Is Love?”

What do you love to do, what brings your passions forward? That’s a form of love that’s completely unconditional. Even if you are unable to do it for a while you don’t lose that love, you still have it. What about those of you who are just in love with humanity? When you think of the Earth, you think of her problems. If the difficulties of Earth and humanity are heavy on your heart, what if you just looked at it and fell in love with it all?

That’s exactly what your spirit does. Your spirit is so overjoyed to be here. Yes, we know some of you arrive on Earth, open your eyes, and think someone pushed you into this. “I don’t know how I got here, I don’t remember agreeing to all of this.”And yet, your spirit is saying, “Oh, this is so magical. I love being here!”

Creating an Environment of Love

What happens when you fall in love? You radiate it all around you, you create an environment of love and it touches everything all around you. It touches every person that is within range of those vibrations, who can hear your voice or feel your light. Fall in love, do it often. Take the conditions off and watch what happens, for it’s magical. You step into the fifth dimension and start seeing things from a totally different perspective.

Can you be divided, the way many humans are divided on planet Earth right now? Not if you are in love with every aspect. When someone thinks completely differently than you do, you are not either right or wrong. You’re simply on a different path, that’s all. You will find many things changing as you anchor more of the fifth dimensional reality in your daily life. But it does take time and we find it fascinating.

The Villain

If you look at your books and movies, the stories you tell each other, the really good ones always have a villain. That’s an important aspect of story writing. You have the good guy and the bad guy, which equates to duality. But as you begin moving into triality, you’re starting to see some fascinating things happening with your stories.

The really captivating stories are the ones that build up the villain, all the nasty things that they do, and the way that they think negatively. But when you see inside the villain for just a moment, you actually fall in love with him. This is happening on a regular basis, dear ones, they are planting seeds.

Fifth dimensional love is magical, but re-member there’s no right or wrong with spirit. There are sometimes people who cannot feel others, yet that is changing right now. You are the pendulum that swings in both directions, as we’ve often spoken of. Hopefully you’ve reached that edge where you’ll swing back the other way into a unity consciousness.

Fifth Dimensional Love

Bringing love from Home allows you to be touched by your spirit all around you. No matter what you think of yourself, spirit is in love with you and so incredibly proud of you. Start falling in love with everything and anything that you can. We’ve mentioned this for years, look for the similarities. Find the ways you are alike rather than the ways you are different, and that dissolves the ego. It turns everything into an experience of wonder and excitement, a new experiment of love.

If you start thinking about this in a different way, you’ll start experiencing so much more. A fifth dimensional love is magical indeed. What if you are walking next to a person that you’re building a relationship with, but they’re always working. Would you love them enough to let them go? What about the person you’ve built your life with, who’s dying? It will change your life drastically if they leave, and you want them to return so your life can go forward together. Do you love them enough to tell them it is okay to let go? Many of you have actually made contracts on the other side of the veil to do exactly that, and you feel it.

Feel the love that we have for you, dear ones. It’s more magical than you could ever understand. So, what is love? Love is a reflection of the true you. The more that you can fall in love, the more you will see possibilities all around you in every way. The Keeper has developed a habit at our suggestion. Every day when he talks with people that he loves, whether it’s his son, brother, sisters, or the love of his life at the moment, he ends the conversation by saying, “I love you.”What if that was the last time that he was able to speak to them? Express your love at every opportunity. You will find yourself able to fall in love with the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Love Is a Beautiful Human Experience

There are no villains on planet Earth. Evil does not exist, it is only a shadow that has been created for control purposes. As you step into the fifth dimension there are no shadows, only different shades of light. There is no black and white, only shades of gray with beautiful colors in between. You know that you are magical, each and every one of you. And we hope that you feel the love that we hold for you, every moment of every day.

Love yourself, dear ones. Dare to look in the mirror and instead of seeing difficulties and imperfections, just fall completely in love with every aspect of your being for just a moment. Begin each day in that way. You are creating an environment of energy all around you, which will attract more of that in your field. You will live in a field of love, of true fifth dimensional love. Practice it often and experience it where you can. Do not judge yourself if you fail, for that’s part of it as well. And if you’ve been playing the role of a villain, dare to love yourself and watch what happens.

Keep in mind, you are the greatest angels that have ever lived. We love you in ways that you can only begin to imagine. We watch your experiences from this side of the veil. We are so incredibly proud of each and every one of you.

Tag, You’re It

It’s a grand game of tag and you’re it! We’ve loved you, o pass it on and find another to love unconditionally. Tag them without needing them to love you back. Then watch what happens to your lives, as you step into the fifth dimensional reality you have created here on Earth.

Welcome Home, dear ones. You are the magicians of the game board. We are the group of 9 and we love you dearly. Treat each other with respect and love. Nurture one another at every possibility and play this game together well. Yes, dare to love the villains.

Espavo.

The Group of 9

Steve Rother

• http://espavo.org/
• https://www.espavo.org/beacons-light-september-2024/
  

Copyright 2000 – 2024

 

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Please credit: www.Espavo.org

 

Peace Beyond Understanding

Peace Beyond Understanding

The Beloved

Is The Teacher

Message received by Lytske

Posted on July 26, 2024 

 

 

Urantia, ...

The Beloved: “Dear one, allow all the words I have spoken to fall upon your thirsty soul like a gentle rain. Allow this rain to nourish you anew, so the hardened places in your mind and heart give way to this living water, and everything will connect in greater harmony and balance. This is the secret of a well-poised and balanced personality.

It is the softening of all the hard places of ‘unloving-ness,’ unforgiveness, intolerance, impatience, anger, jealousy, fear, and suspicion. It is the false-ego pride being ‘knocked off its perch’ of self-satisfaction. Life is like that, it consists of lessons, which have as their purpose to uncover all these hard places in you, so you can ask spirit to spread the rain of greater understanding.

It is a ‘preparing of the ground,’ so to speak, while the seeds of insight slumber in you, and may be triggered to awaken and rise to become a part of you, so the true meaning of My words shall become clearer on the road to perfection.

Eventually, all superstitions, all man-made creeds, and dogmas shall be weeded out and only simple truths shall remain. They include the fact of My existence within you, and that you shall have found Me like the hidden Pearl, living and working within you to help guide you to your eternal destination.

When you do find Me, you will no longer need to consult the stars, cards of any sort, stones or tea leaves, or any other means of discovering your destiny, because I, who live within you, have come from the Creator to guide you.

Ponder these words for a while, and let them fall like a gentle rain into your soul, because your search has ended. In time MY words shall bring forth the fruits which are still hidden from you. Your life does have a purpose. Its purpose is to practice using your spiritual muscles of faith and trust in that eternal truth.

It is peace beyond understanding that I am offering you. Come and seek Me daily so we may commune together, and you can get to know Me better.

Peace be still.”

Edited by Linda Abell. 

 

© The 11:11 Progress Group.
I am the satisfaction of your Soul – The Beloved One.

www.1111AkashicConstruct.com 

 

Top 7 Most Toxic Relationship Patterns You Want to Avoid

Top 7 Most Toxic Relationship Patterns You Want to Avoid

By Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

learning-mind.com

Posted on April 27, 2024

 

Toxic relationship patterns differ from toxic actions. These repetitive behaviors are present in unhealthy relationships, and the patterns reveal truths.

The toxic personality is a complex entity on its own, presenting various negative behaviors. When operating within a relationship, this personality style is amplified. Repeated toxic behavior reinforces control, power, and manipulation. It builds patterns that strengthen its poisonous foundation.

Toxic relationship patterns to avoid

Most of the time, toxic relationship patterns include mutually toxic individuals. Toxic relationships actually go through three stages: idealizing, devaluing, and discarding.

There are many signs of a toxic relationship, including jealousy, manipulation, control issues, and gaslighting. Yes, there are more signs than that too. However, toxic relationship patterns must also be recognized when taking notes, introspecting, or recognizing numerous red flags. Here are a few to look out for.

1. Demand/withdrawal

This pattern looks normal to many people. It’s the classic “crying wife” and “silent husband” image that comes to mind. Of course, this applies to any relationship dynamic; one partner is nagging while the other seems cold.

And these actions, when repeated, create a toxic relationship pattern. It’s a situation where nothing really gets resolved and control remains firmly with one partner while the other continues to suffer.

2. Jealousy and insecurity

While some people find jealousy cute, it’s not. One of the most common patterns in toxic relationships is the duo of jealousy and insecurity. One cannot survive without the other.

If you’re constantly worried about your partner cheating on you, then it may be time to find another partner instead of bickering about these issues.

Living a life like this will destroy your self-worth and create emotional scars to carry to the next relationship. It’s best to deal with this sooner than later, by recognizing this toxic relationship pattern.

3. Frequent aggression

One of the most dangerous toxic relationship patterns is frequent anger or outbursts. This is also one of the most common features. Living with someone who has frequent aggressive behaviors makes life unpredictable and stressful.

This anger may not be directed toward the partner at the beginning of the relationship. But as commitments are made, aggression becomes more intertwined with the relationship itself. Aggression comes with threats of leaving, accusations about things you didn’t do, and an inability to communicate properly.

4. Don’t adhere to rules

One toxic relationship pattern involves not being able to submit to authority. This includes your boundaries in a relationship. If you’re in a union with someone who keeps disregarding the rules you’ve set for yourself, beware. This is a sign of something much worse.

They will think everything they decide to do is perfect, but will never respect your decisions. A toxic person who has patterns like this will never think the rules apply to them. Behavior such as this often leads to public embarrassment and even aggression.

5. Lack of empathy

A lack of empathy is more than just the inability to feel for others, it’s also the inability to feel one’s sadness. This toxic relationship pattern makes it almost impossible for partners to apologize to each other.

It seems one cannot take the blame for actions that upset the other. It is also quite difficult for partners to see each other’s perspective or feel sorry for things that happened. The lack of empathy is a pattern that leaves those in toxic relationships feeling empty.

6. Manipulation

Gaslighting is one of the most notable forms of toxic manipulation often observed in relationships. If their significant other can convince one partner that they are crazy, then manipulating them is easier.

But there are many other forms of manipulation, including control, playing the victim, and even silent treatment. Toxic relationship patterns are built on a foundation of manipulation, making all other actions much easier to use.

7. Deception

Lies are common with toxic relationship patterns. Oh, and beware of the “little white lies” These count too! You see, lies are sometimes the glue that keeps this debacle going.

Partners who lie to each other get used to being in a relationship that lacks trust. They easily use each other, deceiving and pretending that everything is fine… until it’s not. You will want to avoid someone who seems to think this sort of behavior is normal. And trust me, many people live like this every day.

Toxic relationship patterns: Help!

If you’ve found yourself in a toxic relationship, take heed. You’ll want to change things before you or your partner have developed negative patterns.

While it is possible to change, cultivating a healthy relationship together, it’s not always the best avenue. Some people aren’t interested in being better human beings and considering other perspectives. Many people are set in their ways, carrying emotional baggage from decades before.

To save yourself from toxic relationship patterns, study these patterns above to learn what’s unhealthy and what’s best for you. You cannot fix another person, nor would you want to try. It’s best to remember your self-worth and prioritize this over others. After all, you cannot help others until you first help yourself.

However, if your partner is willing to seek professional help with you, there may be hope. If you are in a toxic relationship, there are many places available online or by phone to give you expert advice. I leave you with love and positive vibes for your journey of improvement.

Be blessed.

Sherrie Hurd

About the author:

 

Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

Staff writer at Learning Mind
Sherrie Hurd is a professional writer and artist with over 20 years of experience. As a survivor of childhood trauma and multiple types of abuse, she is an advocate for mental health awareness. Sherrie manages multiple mental illnesses, including anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. With this background and personal experience, she strives to help others overcome trauma and abuse, cope with mental illness, and heal over time.

Copyright © 2012-2024 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us. 

 

7 Phrases Jealous People Use (That Seem Innocent but Are Not)

 7 Phrases Jealous People Use (That Seem Innocent but Are Not)

By Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

learning-mind.com

Posted on August 12, 2023

We’d like to think that people tell the truth about how they feel. But unfortunately, this is not always true. Jealous people commonly say things they do not mean.

There are noticeable envious traits in the people around us, including family, friends, and partners. And all of us have been jealous about something in our lives and acted in ways we now regret.

Feeling jealous and being a jealous person are two different things. Jealous people use phrases with hidden meanings. This is much harder to decipher. And we must keep in mind that human emotions are complex, and jealousy is usually present long before we even notice.

Phrases jealous people commonly use

Jealousy is definitely a green-eyed monster, no offense to those with green eyes. It can destroy friendships, drive wedges between family members, and badly damage relationships.

And worst of all, the hidden meanings beneath the phrases used by jealous people can be deceptive, making us questions ourselves. Wearing a façade is never healthy. To help identify and confirm our suspicions, here are several phrases used by jealous people.

1. “You’re so lucky”

To some, I guess this sounds like a nice thing to say. But, you see, envious people use this phrase often when you’ve accomplished something substantial in your life.

You are proud of your work and dedication, but they’re not… not really. What the jealous person is really saying, when using this phrase, is that luck is the only way you attain these positive achievements. They’re not giving you any credit for your success.

2. “Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sorry you lost”

They are not sorry, so don’t be deceived. If you’ve lost something, whether it’s in a game or something much more valuable, they are secretly glad that you did.

When you lose, they do not feel so lonely in their failures; you see. Misery really does love company, and jealous people are usually quite miserable most of the time. If you watch closely, you might even catch them smiling about what they just said.

3. “That is such a nice shirt”

Do you believe they think your shirt is all that great? Well, some people actually mean what they say, and they’re just telling you the truth. Other people, those who wish they had one or more of your attributes, say things they do not mean.

They are jealous people who use phrases to cover their negative feelings about your gifts or possessions. This could be your physical beauty, your clothing, or your hair. It’s more noticeable when someone constantly compliments you.

This overkill means they’re trying hard not to be angry at you for simply having nice things.

4. “You know that new watch you bought last week? I just got one today!”

It was kind of difficult to phrase this in the right way, but let me clear it up for you. Jealous people will always try to compete with you. If you buy a new computer, soon afterward, they will purchase one too. The kicker is that they will make sure to buy a more expensive one.

It’s all about “one-upping” the person that intimidates them the most. I’m sure you’ve noticed this with a few people in your life.

5. “That’s a great idea! But what if it doesn’t work?”

Before you can even try something new, a jealous person is already planting seeds of doubt in your mind. They downplay your goals and use passive-aggressive terminology. They make you second-guess things you were previously sure about.

These statements are very convincing, so it looks like they’re concerned about your plans. In reality, they want you to forget about what you’re planning because they know it will probably be a success.

6. “I’m not sure about that color. It makes you look tired.”

Jealous people are overly critical, but they won’t make it obvious. They will talk to you about what you’re wearing or your weight while pretending to be a supportive friend. They will use reasoning as to why you haven’t made the right choices about yourself or your lifestyle.

Genuine people will be kind when offering constructive criticism, and they will also provide solutions. Real criticism and fake criticism are, unfortunately, sometimes hard to differentiate. You have to trust your gut on this one.

7. “I’m so proud you got that job, but remember, I told you about it”

You can never take full credit for your achievements when it comes to a jealous person. If you get a new job, or if you get married, either way, an envious person will insist they played a part in these good things.

Somehow, they introduced you to an important person, told you about a special event, or were the one to place you in a position of success. When you accomplish a goal or realize a dream, to the jealous person, it will be due to them. They are always responsible for the good things that happen to you… or so they want you to believe.

How to deal with jealous people

Some people will always be jealous, and some will go through phases, as many of us do. It’s worth understanding these differences. Living an insecure life is toxic, but going through a season of insecurity is a sign of struggle. And the way you deal with these two will be quite different.

If you think an individual is toxic, you guard yourself, draw boundaries, and fight to retain your self-worth. Sometimes, cutting ties is necessary, as with other chronic relationships.

If an individual is going through something that makes them act jealous, and you know it’s not in their character to behave this way, then patience is key.

But the bottom line is that you must make the final decision about how to deal with jealous people by using your discernment. Nobody knows what you ultimately must do but you.

Hope this helps and I wish you well.

Featured image by Freepik

Sherrie Hurd

About the author:

 

Sherrie Hurd, A.A.

Staff writer at Learning Mind
Sherrie Hurd is a professional writer and artist with over 20 years of experience. As a survivor of childhood trauma and multiple types of abuse, she is an advocate for mental health awareness. Sherrie manages multiple mental illnesses, including anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. With this background and personal experience, she strives to help others overcome trauma and abuse, cope with mental illness, and heal over time.

Copyright © 2012-2023 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us. 

On Polyamory

On Polyamory

Tunia via channel A. S.

Posted on March 31, 2023

My dearest brothers and sisters,

This is Tunia speaking. I love you very much.

Today I would like to discuss polyamory (or poly in short). This is having multiple romantic and sexual relationships at the same time.

My overall message is that a good number of people who right now are practicing polygamy, would probably be happier with monogamy. Yes, polyamory indeed is the best relationship style for a small group of people. Yes, polyamory can work. However, just because something can work, doesn’t mean that it’s likely to work.

In fact, polyamory usually fails. Happy polyamorous relationships that last a long time are the rule, not the exception. Society has a distorted view about this because people love sharing: “I feel so happy in my polyamorous relationship”, while no one wants to share: “so I gave the OK for polyamory and my partner started having sex with someone else. I then felt horribly insecure or jealous. The relationship broke down soon afterwards.” Even though that last scenario is more common than people actually having a happy long-term polyamorous relationship.

And even if someone right now is genuinely happy in a poly relationship, that doesn’t mean that he or she will still be happy in a poly relationship ten years down the line. It is relatively doable to make a poly relationship work in the short term. It is much harder to have it work in the medium or long term.

Most people advocating for poly have never been in a long-term poly relationship. Sure they might say “I believe that my current poly relationship will last for the long term” but few people can actually say “my poly relationship HAS lasted for the long term.” That is because most polyamorous relationships don’t.

And then you could ask yourself: do you want to employ a dating strategy that likely leads to relatively short-term flings and resulting breakups and heartaches and then finding another partner?

The simple truth is that most people get jealous and / or insecure if their partner has sex with someone else. And yes, you can talk about that, you can express that, but doing so doesn’t always make the jealousy or insecurity go away.

Let’s suppose that Sally and Tom have a pretty good relationship, but things have gotten just a bit stale and predictable. Sally asks for polyamory, and Tom doesn’t really want that but he does want to make her happy and is afraid that she will leave if he refuses. So Sally starts having sex with someone else. Tom feels insecure or jealous and this isn’t going away after a brief conversation. Then Sally will feel quite tempted to spend less time with Tom and spend more time with her new, shiny, exciting second partner, because at that moment the second partner is more fun to be around. And then Tom feels even more jealous and insecure or abandoned. Usually that just leads to Tom getting really hurt and the relationship ending. But Tom was a pretty good partner for Sally, and him being jealous isn’t really a big character flaw — it’s actually very common. And now Sally is together with someone who she primarily selected for hot sex and being fun to be around. So this second person may not actually be a good relationship partner outside of some fun adventures together. And so it is entirely possible that in this scenario, both Sally and Tom end up worse off in the medium term.

It’s entirely possible that instead of introducing polyamory, Sally and Tom should just have worked on their relationship and tried out some new activities or spent a holiday doing something exciting or tried some new sex positions or sex toys. Movies and social media have given some people a skewed idea of how relations should be. It’s entirely normal that after a certain period of time, things start feeling a bit familiar and not as exciting anymore as they were when you were newly in love.

Or if from Sally’s perspective the relationship just isn’t ever going to work, then it may have been kinder for her to just break up with Tom, and only then start having fun with or dating some third person. Sure, if Tom was genuinely excited for polyamory, then absolutely you can try out polyamory. But in this example, Tom didn’t really want to be polyamorous. It can be cruel to force someone who you love or at least loved, to choose between either the pain of saying “no” to poly and disappointing their love and risking getting dumped, or saying “yes” to poly and having to deal with the pain of their love having sex with someone else.

In some cases when one person wants to introduce poly into the relationship, it would be better to either work on the relationship in a conventional way, or to simply end the relationship instead.

To convince him to agree to poly, Sally might have said to Tom: “don’t worry, you will be my primary poly partner and I’ll make sure that your needs are met first.” But then in practice, of course Sally will want to spend a lot of time with and attention on her fun, exciting, sexy new partner. And nearly everyone is overworked and tired and has a full calendar, so in practice this usually means Sally spending less time and attention on Tom and having less sex with him. And then Tom may feel on an emotional level that Sally betrayed him. After all, she promised that his needs would be met first, but now they’re not. And he also doesn’t really have any recourse here. It’s not going to work for him to tell Sally: “I demand that you keep your promise and less sex with your new partner and have more sex with me, even though you clearly at this moment you’re more excited about sex with this new person.” From Sally’s perspective, shouldn’t she be having sex with the person who she wants to have sex with? But if she does, Tom may feel, at least on an emotional level, that Sally betrayed him.

As you can see, things can get painful and very messy, very quickly in polyamorous relationships.

And these aren’t uncommon or super specific examples. It happens all the time that someone gets jealous or insecure, or that someone gets hurt because their partner isn’t spending that much time and attention on them anymore now that there’s a new partner in the mix.

Now sure, it may be the case that both Sally and Tom are genuinely excited about poly, and both find a very fun new person to be with, and everything is great and everyone is happy. Can that happen? Sure. If everyone involved is excited to try out polyamory, then go for it. I’m not saying that polyamory should never be practiced, or that it never works. Poly does sometimes work, and for some people, poly is indeed the best relationship structure. I just think that there are a bunch of people out there right now who are doing poly and who would be happier with a traditional, monogamous relationship structure.

It’s also true that some people genuinely aren’t jealous or insecure when their partner has sex with another person. But that’s a minority of people, not a majority. And so if your partner isn’t actively excited about polyamory, then you shouldn’t assume that they won’t become jealous or insecure if you start having sex with another person. In fact, some people are excited about polyamory, but then when their partner actually starts having sex with another person and also quite possibly has a bit less sex with them, then they may find that they become jealous or insecure anyway.

In most cases, you can talk about jealousy and insecurity, but after talking about it, it is still there. And if people can choose between having amazing sex with their shiny new second partner, or spending tons of quality time with their old insecure first partner to reassure them and mitigate their insecurity somewhat, well often people are going to go for the amazing sex with the shiny new partner. In that case, yeah, two people are probably enjoying themselves. And the third person is feeling awful.

Insecurity is deeply rooted in people and not easy to just “get over.” For one, society keeps implying that people are not good enough, for example by constantly showing pictures of beautiful and photoshopped models. Also, if a woman’s husband had sex with another woman in previous centuries, then it’s possible that he’d leave her and she and maybe their young children would starve to death. Similarly, it happens more often on Earth than people think that men raise a child that they falsely believe is their own, which is catastrophic from a passing-on-your-genes perspective. With all this ancestral trauma, it’s not so easy to just get over insecurity or jealousy.

This insecurity is further increased because in practical reality, polyamory often means that the bond between the two initial partners becomes shallower. The simple reality is that almost everyone is busy and tired and overworked, and few people have the time and energy to add another entire relationship to their life without reducing time and energy spent on their initial relationship. Few people have the time and energy to have two full relationships, plus work, plus hobbies, plus chores, plus other friendships, plus time for self development, plus exercise, et cetera. So adding another relationship often means not just spending less time and having less sex with the first partner, but also spending less time on asking how they’re doing, what they’re thinking, how their life is going, et cetera. You know, those deep, slower, more intimate conversations, where you sit down and really try to understand how the other person is feeling. Those moments are often sacrificed if another person is added, because well, there’s only so many hours in a week and only so much energy that people have to really pay deep attention to someone else.

Not to mention that some people think that deep connections are a bit scary, for example because they have a bad self image and it feels scary to reveal themselves and be seen. For these people, poly offers a very effective way to flee from deep connection. Namely, just go to your other partner and have some fun with them.

And then you can ask yourself: do you want one deep, meaningful relationship or two shallower relationships? Sure, having sex with a hot new person is more exciting. But will that ultimately make you happier?

Many poly advocates here will say that they DO have two deep, meaningful relationships. And sure, some people genuinely do. However for most people, mathematically speaking it’s a bit hard to see how people can fit two deep meaningful relationships into their schedule plus everything else, unless they spend their lives only doing work and relationships. And then you can wonder if it’s healthy to sacrifice all that other stuff — exercise, self-development, alone time, other hobbies, volunteer work, et cetera.

Even poly advocates will agree that poly relationships take more time and energy than monogamous relationships. Well, are you actually in a place in your life where you have that time and energy available? Even if you do, is it smart to spend that time and energy on polyamory instead of for some say charitable or self-development purpose? Sometimes the answer genuinely is “yes”, but not always.

There’s also a subtle pressure on poly people to always act happy and always present a fun and sexy exterior to their partner, and to never show “difficult” emotions or insist on having a useful but challenging conversation. After all, if the person is not being fun and sexy, their partner has the option to simply temporarily abandon them and go to their second partner. This sounds like something that only an intentionally cruel monster would do if I put it like this, but of course people will often choose to spend more time with the partner who is more fun to be around. And so people are pressured to act fun and sexy all the time, no matter how they actually feel, because otherwise they could get abandoned temporarily (at least the fear of this is there). Needless to say, this can be psychologically damaging. And yes, some people who have been in poly relationships still carry this burden with them, this idea that they must be fun and sexy at all times, otherwise their partner will abandon them. Even if right now they’re in a monogamous relationship and their partner isn’t going to abandon them if the person is authentic and not “fun” or “sexy” at a particular moment.

Let’s look at some points that poly advocates often make. First, poly advocates may tell you that monogamy is not natural. Well, what does that actually mean? Yes, some humans and some animals don’t stay together for life. Others do. So why would one be natural and one not natural? Moreover, civilization itself is not “natural” in a conventional sense of the word, while murder is natural and it happens all the time in the animal world.

Some poly advocates love to imply or at least think that polyamorous people are more skilled or spiritually advanced than non-polyamorous people. I don’t think that’s true. I think people are tuning into these messages because they perceive me as pretty spiritually advanced in this current life, as compared to the spiritual development of average Earth humans in their current life. Well, my husband and I agreed that neither of us could start a relationship with someone else, or have casual sex with someone of the opposite gender (we can have sex with someone of the same gender). Hakann and his wife are in a similar arrangement, because all four of us are more sexually attracted to the opposite gender than to our own gender. Even for us there is a chance that our relationships could eventually be destabilized if we engaged in opposite-gender sex with other people, or if we started a second relationship. Now admittedly there are Pleiadians for whom polyamory is working, but still.

Yes, it is true that doing polyamory well is harder than doing monogamy well. But not everyone who advocates for polyamory or does polyamory, actually does it well. Just because someone is in a polyamorous relationship, doesn’t automatically mean that they are better at relationships than a monogamous person.

Moreover, doing something that has a greater chance of failure does not automatically make you a better or more skilled person than other people. We think very few Earth humans are actually highly emotionally safe to be with, as I explained in my previous relationship messages, which we Pleiadians see as a core skill to even be in a monogamous relationship. And if relatively few people are even able to maintain a monogamous relationship, with the current very high divorce rates, then is it smart to do relationships on hard mode, i.e. poly? To me, it seems a bit like trying to run before you can walk.

An argument that poly people use is that two consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want. And sure. I am absolutely not saying that poly should be banned. Indeed poly genuinely is the best relationship structure for some people. That said, in some (not all) situations, one person will ask for a poly relationship, and the other person may feel scared that the other person will leave. Sometimes the person asking for the poly relationship explicitly threatens to leave, and sometimes the person asking for a poly relationship doesn’t say that and doesn’t even intend to leave if the poly suggestion is refused, however the other person still feels threatened. After all, the thought of the person you love, leaving you, is a genuinely painful and threatening thought indeed. And so it often happens that the less-enthusiastic person agrees to poly, not because they want to, but because they feel threatened. And to what extent can you say that: “well, the less-enthusiastic person consented to poly after all”, if that person felt threatened that the love of their life was going to leave them? And then if the less-enthusiastic person gets hurt, and often they do, then usually it is said that they consented to this, after all. Yes they consented, but under what circumstances did they consent? If you quasi-threaten someone into consenting, is that consent still valid?

If someone says: “hey, if you don’t agree to move to Portugal with me, I may leave you,” then everyone would call that a not okay way to treat your partner, and if the trip to Portugal then went poorly they’d put the blame on the Portugal-pusher. However if people say that same phrase but then replace “move to Portugal” with “be poly” then suddenly it’s acceptable, and then suddenly both parties are equally responsible for the success of the polyamory.

A less-enthusiastic partner can also feel really trapped and absolutely miserable in a poly situation, because in their own mind they “consented” and so they should accept the current situation. But they’re miserable. And their partner is off having a lot of fun and sex with their new partner, so those two people are happy, which makes the less-enthusiastic partner feel more alone. This less-enthusiastic person might remain trapped in an agonizing way for quite a while like this, if he or she can’t bring themselves to break up with the person whom they love. Which is also painful to do, of course. People can really get hurt very deeply this way.

So, how do you avoid these consent-issues? Well, if possible, mention your poly-preference very early on. It’s not super fair to first make someone fall in love with you and then dump on them that you want to have sex with other people. If a relationship is okay but not great, consider just working on it in a conventional way instead, or simply ending it. Personally I wouldn’t try to convince someone to have a poly relationship with me, even if I loved poly, if that other person isn’t actively excited about poly themselves. If they don’t seem thrilled at the thought of poly, then poly probably isn’t going to work out.

Also, it’s not easy to raise children in a polyamorous context. Yes, that can succeed, but just because something can succeed doesn’t mean it’s likely to succeed. Do you want to gamble with your children’s wellbeing?

Poly advocates may also say that poly is fair because both partners can have sex with other people. In the case where we’re talking about a man and a woman being poly, this isn’t actually nearly as fair as it sounds. The average Earth woman is able to find attractive Earth men to have sex with. Meanwhile the average Earth man is not able to find attractive Earth women to have sex with. And no, the explanation for this is not “men suck and need to step up.” On average Earth women are simply less interested in sex outside of committed, monogamous relationships than Earth men are. Which means that the average poly woman gets to have sex with one or more attractive partners, while the average poly man doesn’t.

There’s also the scenario where the man is conventionally very attractive and pushes his female partner into polygamy. And in this case, it’s possible that he has a ton of casual sex, while she’d much rather just be monogamous with him — but maybe she doesn’t dare say this out loud, out of fear of getting dumped or at least being labeled “needy.”

Yes, it can be the case that both the poly man and the poly woman have a great time with. But again, this is the exception and not the rule.

Having two relationships also means that there are twice as many people who can experience hardship in their life, which could mean that you may need to spend more time supporting people — if you actually want poly to be good for everyone involved, and aren’t just planning on leaving your partners alone if they are suffering (which unfortunately does happens).

Furthermore, we all know that some guys are just horny and want to sleep with multiple women for a while, but eventually they realize that they are happier in a stable monogamous relationship. Right? Well, now in 2023 those men — or women — may present themselves not as just being temporarily horny and hedonistic, but rather as simply inherently being poly, and people should accept them for who they are, and in fact they might even be more spiritually advanced than non-poly people. Well, it is true that a few people genuinely are wired to be poly and won’t be truly happy any other way. But there’s also a lot of people who consider themselves to be poly, when really they’re just in a horny and hedonistic phase in their life. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but 1) that doesn’t make you superior to other people, and 2) don’t be too quick to claim that your polyness is an unchangeable fact and that you can only be happy in poly contexts for the rest of your life. Maybe an amazing monogamously-minded partner comes along, and in this case, don’t be too quick to reject him or her just because you trapped yourself in the box of your own self-concept. Saying “I am X” can often limit you from seeing other opportunities.

In a lot of cases, polyamorous guys are just following their dick, and we know that it’s not always smart for guys to follow their dick. Similarly, in a lot of cases, polyamorous women are just following their vagina, and it is equally true that it’s not always smart for women to follow their vaginas. Polyamorous people may dress up “following their genitals” in flowery and inspiring language, but at the end of the day, men following their dick and women following their vagina do not always end up in a good place.

Yes, I know that polyamory isn’t only about sex, but let’s be honest, for most people that is a big part of it. If it was about being emotionally connected to someone or being able to practice a new hobby or go to new kinds of events, then you could also just be monogamous and maintain a tight friendship with another person. Sure, if your partner does not enjoy a certain activity and you do enjoy that activity, then it can be good to find some third person to do that activity with. But you don’t necessarily need to have sex with that third person. You can just find a friend to do that activity with.

Similarly, people will say that they like polyamory because they enjoy feeling so much love, but you can also feel mutual platonic love for and from a friend. Or you can feel more love by just spending more quality time with your partner.

The reasons that people state for being poly can often also be satisfied just by having a good friendship. Hence, often the desire for being poly is just the desire to have sex with more than one person. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that. I, too, enjoy sometimes having sex with another woman. But I am honest about why I am doing it. I am not primarily associating with those women because I desire love, or because I want to practice a certain hobby together, or because I want someone to attend a certain event with, or because I’m simply poly and this is who I am. I have sex with those women because I want sex. I think they’re hot, and I want to kiss them and touch them and feel them. I like gently undressing other women and touching their breasts and feeling their skin and running my hands through their pubic hair and kissing their neck and hearing their breath quicken. I want them to desperately kiss me, like they are parched in the desert and my lips are the only source of moisture. And I want them to suck my nipples and finger or lick me until I can no longer ride the wave of pleasure and explode. Zero shame about that, but no pretenses about it either. I am honest to myself and others about why I am meeting up with those women. It’s not because I want a gardening buddy. It’s because I want sex. That’s it.

If poly people would more clearly communicate to their partner that they wanted more sexual excitement in their life, then maybe their partner would be able to satisfy that. A new sex toy is cheaper than a divorce. Yes I know that being in a polygamous relationship has more advantages than just sex, but a polygamous relationship certainly also has more disadvantages than just trying to spice up your sex life with your partner in the normal way. You can’t just look at the poly upsides and then decide it’s a good idea, without considering what can go wrong and if you are willing to risk your existing relationship.

Personally, If I noticed or was told by my husband that he wasn’t getting as much sex as he wanted, then I would immediately stop having sex with anyone but him. Also, even if I feel attracted to another man than my husband, I don’t act on that. I know which things are safe — having sex with other women — and which things could work out, but also could destabilize my relationship, and therefore are not worth risking, such as me having sex with another man. Perhaps if you and your potential poly partner are open and honest with each other, you can find certain areas that are safe to explore and to have fun with, but also certain areas that might work out but that also might not work out and that are therefore maybe not worth the risk. There are certainly more options and possible relationship configurations than either monogamy or classic polygamy. Just don’t be too quick to assume that things that could work out, actually will work out. Emotions can be unpredictable, after all. And just because something might work for a month, does not automatically mean that it will work out for the long term.

From my point of view, it is not wise to build a relationship structure that only works as long as your life is going relatively smoothly. Any relationship structure that collapses as soon as life throws some challenges or curveballs at you, is probably not a good relationship structure, unless you want to go through heartbreak and then through the process of finding a new partner every few years. Hence for most Earth humans at this current moment in time, I would just recommend monogamy. Frankly life is hard enough even without selecting some non-monogamous relationship structure, because those are more challenging and take a lot more time and effort. Even if you personally don’t get jealous and if you are amazing at communication, even then polyamory still takes significantly more time and effort than monogamy. Maybe you have that time and energy right now, but would you still have that time and energy if something else in your life went dramatically wrong?

Despite everything I have said in this message, it is still true that for some people, poly is the best lifestyle. And the criticism I have given about some poly practitioners, doesn’t apply to all poly practitioners. And yes, it is also true that some people are very happy in poly relationships for a long period of time.

As always, I am just sharing my perspective. I hope it was helpful. If you have a different perspective, or if you have experiences with polyamory, I would love to read them in the comments.

Now excuse me, I’ve gotten myself in the mood. I’m off to see if one of my female acquaintances is available. And I don’t mean “available for gardening.”

With love,

Channel: A.S.

For Era of Light

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgSGUx8ZB7s

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