The Purple Light

Saturday, December 23, 2023

13 Signs an Avoidant Loves You (How to Decode Avoidant Behavior)

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on December 17, 2023

People with an avoidant personality yearn for love. However, their fear of abandonment often sabotages potential relationships. That’s not to say they can’t love. With an understanding partner, they can learn to trust, allowing themselves to open up and commit. That being said, could you spot the signs an avoidant loves you?

Character Traits of the Avoidant Personality

Anyone who has dated an avoidant is aware of their fluctuating behavior. One moment they are clingy and suffocating, the next they are hostile and silent. How do you know what love is?

The key to recognizing their behavior is to understand how an avoidant normally reacts to intimacy and what they do when they’re ready to love. Before I discuss the signs an avoidant is falling for you, here are the character traits of an avoidant personality.

At the heart of the avoidant personality lies a longing for love, intertwined with a paralyzing fear of rejection.

Avoidant personalities share common traits: Feels overwhelmed by normal intimacy levels.

Cannot communicate how they feel.
Makes you wait for a response or shuts down completely.
Rarely instigates communication.
Reluctant to move the relationship to the next level.
Tells white lies or omits information to avoid tough conversations.
Displays hot and cold behavior, usually from one extreme to the other.
Wants you there for company but needs space.
Avoids in-depth conversations or deflects with jokes.
Closed off body language; limited eye contact, rarely smiles.
Does not trust other people.
Wants love, but feel suffocated when the relationship progresses.
Describes themselves as a ‘hard nut to crack’ or ‘hard to get’.
Doesn’t share personal information.
Gives mixed signals or hard to read.
Cannot compromise and sticks to rigid boundaries.
Won’t ask for help with anything.
Happy with physical intimacy more than emotional.
Can detach emotionally during conflict.
Has a solitary lifestyle with few social interactions.

Now we know how an avoidant reacts under normal circumstances. Below are the signs an avoidant loves you.

13 Signs an Avoidant Loves You

1. Their behavior becomes more balanced

One of the first signs an avoidant loves you is a calming down of their emotions. Avoidants have trouble controlling their feelings, so you’ll often see hot and cold behavior that varies from one extreme to another. This becomes more balanced as they feel more confident about you.

2. They become more available

Personal space is important for avoidants. They are solitary people who live inside their heads. As well as introverts, avoidants need space to analyze, think through matters, and recharge their energy. When an avoidant agrees or instigates a date, it’s a firm sign they are falling in love.

3. They want to know more about you

Communication is difficult for avoidants, especially emotive subjects. As a result, they limit conversations to everyday chit chat or practical matters. Asking you questions about your personal life shows an avoidant is thinking about the relationship.

4. They want to hang out with you

Avoidants are rigid with their personal space and boundaries. They want you around, but on their terms. However, one of the signs an avoidant loves you is when they relax around you. They may even instigate contact (which, for an avoidant, means vulnerability and rejection).

5. They use words like ‘us’ and ‘we’ to describe the relationship

Words are an insight into a person’s thoughts and emotions. An increase in pronouns such as ‘we’ and ‘us’ and ‘ours’ suggests that even subconsciously, the avoidant person is thinking in terms of a partnership. They might not fully commit just yet, but they are accepting the possibility.

6. They open up about their personal life

This is a powerful sign an avoidant loves you. Avoidants like to keep their personal life to themselves. They don’t volunteer information easily because they have trust issues. These are tough nuts to crack, so look out for any hints they’re sharing more than usual.

7. Communication becomes more reliable

Avoidants can go hours, days, even weeks without contact. They are unreliable and sporadic with replies. If you’ve noticed that the replies are faster and more consistent, it is a good sign an avoidant is falling in love with you.

8. They communicate their needs

For avoidant people, talking about their needs is like lowering the drawbridge of a castle to their enemy. They leave themselves wide open to attack, ridicule and, worse, rejection. Talking about what they need is a clear sign an avoidant loves you.

9. They engage in acts of service

People show their love in different ways: some are verbally loving; others prefer a tactile expression of love, and some engage in acts of service. These are things done with care that make your life easier, such as doing the washing up, walking the dog, helping with housework, or running errands.

10. They ask you for help

Relying on someone is fraught with danger for avoidants. They risk being let down, seen as vulnerable or needy and they just don’t need the emotional hassle of it all. Pay attention to any requests for favors or help. This is a gigantic sign an avoidant loves you.

11. They express non-sexual affection

Avoidants are good at the physical side of a relationship. In fact, many have ‘friends with benefits.’ It’s the emotional side they struggle with. Putting up walls and keeping themselves closed off to others protects them from the intensity of love and passion.

It’s a big deal when they express warmth and endearment.

12. They talk about the relationship

One of the more reliable signs an avoidant loves you is when they talk about the relationship. The last thing an avoidant person wants to do is talk about commitment and the future. They will deflect questions with mixed signals or humor. Anything to get off topic.

So you know it’s a sign an avoidant loves you when they let their guard down and communicate openly with you.

13. They compromise instead of shutting down

Avoidants like to stick to a rigid structure with clear and defined boundaries. They are not spontaneous people who take risks and thrive on uncertainty.

Usual changes to their schedule result in them digging in their heels and not budging. It’s hard for them to meet others halfway, but they can compromise when they trust someone.

Final thoughts

It’s difficult to spot the signs an avoidant person loves you, but understanding what their behavior is usually like can help.

References:

Featured image by cookie_studio on Freepik Janey Davies

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

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