31 Funny Things to Say to a Narcissist to Beat Their Ego
By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)
Posted on December 23, 2023
I don’t know about you, but I’m not great at thinking up witty comebacks. Actually, that’s not strictly true. I can think of funny things, but about 24 hours too late. That’s why I like to keep a running catalogue in my head, so I can pluck the perfect response to any irritating person or situation.
And even if you prefer the Gray Rock Method, it’s always good to have a few extra one-liners up your sleeve. Here’s 31 funny things to say to a narcissist.
31 Funny Things to Say to a Narcissist
When a narcissist acts like a victim.
1. “You should get down from that cross. We need wood for the fire.”
2. “Doesn’t it hurt your arms, hanging off that cross all day?”
Narcissists love to make out they’re a self-sacrificing martyr, when we all know they only think about themselves. This putdown is perfect when they’re blaming you for their dire circumstances or complaining that they have to do everything.
When a narcissist is gaslighting you.
3. “If it’s a joke, I should laugh, right?”
4. “You’re right, I am crazy. Crazy in love with you, baby!”
Narcissists use manipulation tactics like gaslighting to unhinge you and make you think you’re going mad. You question your reality, and this gives them a powerful hold on you. They thrive on creating drama and drawing you into weird arguments. Either call them out or play them at their own game.
When a narcissist lies to you.
5. “That’s an interesting point. Anyway…”
6. “Can you just repeat that? I want to remember the dumbest thing I’ve heard.”
If you are looking for funny things to say to a narcissist to stop their lies, try these. The problem with narcissists is they’re delusional and believe the lies they tell. They hate to be challenged because it shows them up. Ask them to repeat whatever absurd lie they’re telling this time.
If the narcissist is humble bragging/fishing for compliments.
7. “Listen, you tied your shoelaces today, so let’s just count our blessings.”
8. “You’ll go far one day. And I hope you stay there.”
Narcissists have a desperate need for attention. They satisfy this in several ways. One is the humble brag. Humble bragging is saying something self-deprecating in the hope you’ll boost their ego.
When you want to rein in their ego.
9. “And to think……you’re the sperm that won?”
10. “You’re so ugly you can trick or treat over the phone.”
11. “Does your mom tell you to act like you don’t know her when you’re out in public?”
The thing I’ve learned about narcissists is that they have no sense of humor, nor do they understand irony. So, it’s easy to trip them up with a sarcastic comment.
When the narcissist is over-egging their achievements.
12. “The sun shines on a dog’s ass every once in a while.”
13. “Look, even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.”
Narcissists are empty vessels that need a constant supply of attention and validation. They’ll often exaggerate or lie about their achievements to get the praise they feel they deserve.
When a narcissist wants to start an argument with you.
14. “I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
15. “I’d love to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
Don’t give the narcissists in your life the supply they crave. They love the interaction that arguments give them, and once you’re hooked into their drama, they’ve got your attention.
When you want to insult a narcissist.
16. “No, I don’t want fries with that.”
17. “Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?”
I made myself laugh when this popped into my head. This multi-level insult will go over your typical narcissist because they’ll automatically assume you’re talking about their appearance. It won’t occur to them you’re criticizing their character.
When a narcissist always betters your achievements.
18. “OMG, me too!”
19. “Wow, I thought I was the only one!”
Every time a narcissist tells some outlandish/unique/interesting thing about themselves, say ‘OMG, me too!’ It steals their thunder and really upsets them.
When the narcissist is your parent.
20. “I’m so sorry you had unprotected sex.”
21. “Look, I’m the best thing to come out of you.”
It’s common for narcissists to blame their children for all their missed opportunities. Life would have been so much better if you hadn’t come along and ruined it. All those sacrifices they had to make, and you turned into an ungrateful little s**t.
When the narcissist is constantly criticizing you.
22. “I’m so sorry I totally suck at (whatever they are complaining about). I will work on being better.”
23. “Thank you for pointing that out. I won’t do it again.”
24. “You are soooo right.”
You take away a narcissist’s supply when you agree with them. They create drama to focus attention on themselves, but agreeing with their criticisms takes the wind out of their sails.
When you just need to shut down a narcissist.
25. “Have the day you deserve.”
26. “Save your breath. You’ll need it for your blow-up doll.”
27. “Listen, I’ve been called much worse by a lot better.”
28. “Why don’t you talk about something you know?”
29. “I’m impressed you could come up with that witty insult despite your obvious disadvantage.”
30. “Sorry, what was your name again?”
31. “I hope that works out for you.”
My final list of funny things to say to a narcissist are conversation stoppers. Sometimes you’ve had enough and can’t deal with the person or situation anymore. Saying stuff like ‘Have the day you deserve’ shuts them up.
Final Thoughts
You cannot control what a narcissist says or does. All you can do is control your reaction to them. If you can’t remove yourself from the situation, use any of these funny things to say to a narcissist.
Janey Davies
Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind
Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
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