Try It on. Test It out. See if It Fits
by Steve Beckow
Posted on February 18, 2024
As part of my desire to revive the growth movement, I’d like to look at an intercession point in the cycle of conflict.
Before doing that, I have to reassure people that I believe almost everyone has this cycle going on with them, at some level, in some form or another, princes and paupers. So don’t feel you may be the only one.
I have it going on with me. Many people I know do. Etc. I’m learning every day. Today I learned to use “we” instead of “you,” for example, when discussing the problem.
Most people are meaning this cycle or circuit when they say “they have a rocky relationship” or “their relationship is up and down.” It’s up and down because we don’t exit the cycle of conflict. Instead we exit the relationship.
So what I’m aware of at the moment is just this one exit point. There are probably more.
When a complaint, protest, or feedback is made, if we don’t like it, we usually switch into self-defense mode. We either excuse ourselves, deny its validity, or justify our actions. Whichever way, we’re batting the ball back over the net.
The complaint was not received. Nothing was done about it. And so the situation continues, with periodic, escalating blowups, and lots of stress in between.
We finally tire of the fruitless “cyclical arguments” or “endless conflict.” We reach the conclusion that “nothing ever changes.” The cost to us of living in suppression with no joy becomes too much and the internal branch of love and connection breaks.
All this time the relationship has been declining in affection, until we reach disdain. We now begin planning to leave the relationship.
And we don’t know what else to do. We repeat these actions over and over, from relationship to relationship. We say, “Our relationship was great for the first six weeks….”
Well, what do we do? Here’s what I suggest.
This particular exit point from the cycle of conflict comes in the case of a complaint, protest or feedback.
We just heard, above, what we actually do. We bat it back over the net, do nothing about it, and watch the situation escalate from year to year as our feelings die for the other person.
Let’s try something different. But it depends on having the cooperation of the receiver, because they too want to escape the cycle of conflict.
At this point in the conversation, if the receiver of the complaint could stop and take a look. Try on what the speaker is saying and see if it fits. See if it resonates. See if the body responds with a smile of recognition, a smile at having been seen.
If any of this happens, then own the action in question. “Yes, I can be an uncompromising bastard at times.” “Yes, I tend to take more than my share. It’s a pattern since childhood.” Notice you did not die from receiving the complaint or feedback.
If none of what’s being alleged happened, then you can now safely decline to accept. You looked at it and tried it on. That’s all anyone can ask.
This crucial step is missing in our usual handling of disagreement or conflict. If we re-insert it, that one act alone will go far to releasing pressure and stress.
If both parties can take this one step in conflict resolution, I believe that a good deal of the accumulating stress in the relationship as a whole will lift.
On the one hand, if we have no outlet for our complaints and no caring for the stress that brings, relationships lose their chance to be loving.
On the other hand, we’ll become stronger characters if we take a look at complaints because we’ll be able to take the disagreements, conflict, and complaints that come with relationship and do something constructive with them. That shows caring for the loved one and strength of character.
We then have a chance at having a relationship that gets better and better, rather than one that gets worse and worse.
In a time and a place where our governments are trying to depopulate us, having a relationship that’s a welcome haven of peace rather than a boiling pot of tension becomes all the more valuable and important.
To download Leaving the Cycle of Conflict, go here: https://goldenageofgaia.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/Leaving-the-Cycle-of-Conflict-24.pdf
Steve Beckow
Main Sites: Blogs:
Social Media:
(email:nai@violetflame.biz.ly) Google deleted my former blogs rayviolet.blogspot.com & rayviolet2.blogspot.com just 10 hrs after I post Benjamin Fulford's
February 6, 2023 report, accusing me of posting child pornography.(A Big Fat Lie)
February 6, 2023 report, accusing me of posting child pornography.
No comments:
Post a Comment