The Purple Light: 11 Things That Happen When You Discard the Narcissist First

Sunday, March 24, 2024

11 Things That Happen When You Discard the Narcissist First

By Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Posted on March 24, 2024

Narcissists only think of one thing: themselves. But no relationship can survive such a one-sided and selfish partnership, so narcissists must resort to manipulation tactics such as gaslighting and pathological lying to maintain the facade.

However, there comes a time when their partner realizes they’re in a toxic relationship and walks away. So, what happens when you discard the narcissist in your life? The narcissists have lost their narcissistic supply, which they’ve invested time in and nurtured. They’re not likely to give you up easily.

What happens when you discard the narcissist first?

It is important to remember that narcissists view their partners as possessions. They own you. You have no rights unless it benefits the narcissist. They decide when the relationship is over, not you. You do not have permission to leave.

When thinking about what happens when you discard the narcissist, keep in mind they fall into two groups:

Grandiose or vulnerable

Grandiose narcissists have enormous egos and a monumental sense of self-worth. Their unwavering belief in their magnificence leads to a staggering sense of entitlement. This type of narcissist doesn’t need anyone to validate their importance; they just want an audience to play to, so they are furious when you discard them.

How dare you! They are the best thing that happened to you, and you disrespect them?

Vulnerable narcissists are fragile and desperate. Their self-esteem is low, and they desperately crave attention to boost their delicate egos. Vulnerable narcissists require constant reassurance, and need people around them to validate their self-worth. These types of narcissists fear rejection as it confirms their self-loathing and paranoia.

Each type of narcissist will react to the discard in different ways. Here are 11 things that happen when you discard the narcissist first.

11 things that happen when you discard the narcissist first

1. They plead with you to come back

A narcissist, whether grandiose or vulnerable, cannot cope with a lack of control, so when you discard them, they will have to react. However, it’s the vulnerable narcissist that’s more likely to plead with you not to end the relationship. By finishing it, you’re acknowledging their worst fears; they’re not worthy of love, and everyone hates them.

2. They love bomb you

Narcissists don’t care about contacting you if they’ve discarded you. That’s because they’re in control.

But if you pull away, they’ve lost that control. They’re not concerned about the relationship, it’s about that control. They’ll have to get you back. One tactic is love-bombing, where they’ll bombard you with messages of undying love, fake apologies, and promises to change.

3. They threaten suicide

Some narcissists go to extreme lengths when you discard them.

Online forums dealing with narcissist partners shed a light on the crazy things they do, for example, screaming and shouting, sitting in a catatonic state for days, refusing to take prescribed medication, threatening to drive off a bridge or to walk into traffic, trips to A&E for suspected overdoses and much more.

4. They gaslight you about the relationship

One thing that happens when you discard the narcissist first is they’ll fall back on tried and tested tactics that worked during the relationship to draw you back in.

They’ll gaslight you into thinking about why the relationship failed, hoping to persuade you they were not to blame. They lie about things they did to make you question your memory of past events. The result is you doubt your recall.

5. They’ll blame you for everything

Grandiose narcissists won’t take a discard lying down. They’ll come back and attack you. Everything will be about them, how you destroyed their life, how it’s all your fault, how heartless you are to leave them. Nothing is ever their fault.

It’s always about how life is such a struggle for them, how unfair it is to them, and now you’ve ruined everything. They are the real victim.

6. They try to make you jealous by flaunting a new relationship

Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists use envy to get your attention. They’ll flaunt a new relationship (or narcissistic supply) by plastering it all over social media. They’ll find their soulmate, the true love of their life, and bang on about how wonderful it is.

Narcissists don’t do well on their own. Their parasitic lifestyle requires them to feed off others. Showing off a new partner does two things; it shows you they don’t need you anymore and makes you jealous at the same time.

7. They tell you they’ve changed

Narcissists will try to convince you they have changed, and they deserve a second chance. They’ll manipulate you with any means to reconnect. They’ll guilt-trip you or use your weaknesses against you. Nothing will be off-limits. This is a method of hoovering, highly tailored to ensnare you back into the relationship.

8. They target your friends and family

Another type of hoovering is appealing to your family and friends. This is a passive way of getting your attention, but no less worrying.

The narcissist will stop at nothing to regain contact and control. They might say how worried they are about you, or that they have something important to discuss with you. They’ll try every and any avenue.

9. They play the victim

If the narcissist doesn’t get anywhere with their hoovering attempts, they’ll badmouth you instead. Narcissists are pathological liars and will spread lies about you. They’ll play the victim.

A narcissist will twist the narrative of your relationship to anyone who’ll listen. They’ll tell people you’re emotionally unstable and that they only stayed with you out of the goodness of their heart. They’re the ones that gave you a second chance when, in fact, they’ve begged to come back.

10. They devalue you

One strategy narcissists use is devaluing when you discard the narcissist first. First, they groom you by love bombing you into a relationship; this is the idealization part, then they devalue you before discarding you.

Narcissists abhor being discarded. It doesn’t matter to them that the relationship is over (it’s not over until they say it is). While you are trying to extricate yourself from the relationship as gently as possible, they’ll turn nasty.

11. They’ll fly into a narcissistic rage

Have you ever witnessed a narcissistic rage? It’s frightening to see the mask slip. Narcissists project a false image to the world. They believe they’re special and entitled to whatever they want, so when you present the narcissist with a setback or the truth about a situation, they fly into a rage.

This anger is completely out of proportion to the perceived slight. It’s dramatic and shocking.

Final thoughts

When you discard the narcissist first, they will use anything in their power to regain control, but there’s only one thing you can do. Those with experience advise going ‘no contact’. The thing to remember is that to the narcissist, you are an object. They don’t care about you. You’ll never be their priority.

If you find it difficult to maintain no contact, write a list of all the times they were abusive. Then, when they try to cajole you back into a relationship, take out this list and ask yourself if you want to go through that again. Because it will never get better.

References:

journals.sagepub.com

Janey Davies

Janey Davies, B.A. (Hons)

Sub-editor & staff writer at Learning Mind

Janey Davies has been published online for over 10 years. She has suffered from a panic disorder for over 30 years, which prompted her to study and receive an Honours degree in Psychology with the Open University. Janey uses the experiences of her own anxiety to offer help and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.

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