Never Let Your Guard Down
By Steve Beckow
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| A graphic from my Dad’s “storyboard” or life story |
Growing up under a parent who served in the Second World War offered its challenges to me. Discipline was the back of the hand. I may as well have been in boot camp.
I was a lazy no-good good-for-nothing because I liked to read rather than swim and golf and play tennis.
At this very moment, I’m in the midst of a most welcome and long-overdue breakthrough around my relationship with my Dad.
Until now I’ve always considered that I needed to love my Dad. Take him with me. Talk to him.
I could never “get” this. I didn’t feel love for my Dad. It was definitely a bridge too far.
And then, this morning, in the shower – out of reach of my computer! – I got it. I didn’t need to love my Dad. What I do best is to listen. I can listen to my Dad.
I’m not saying Dad talked. The words formed in my mind. And the pictures.
I saw a fireman in the hold of a merchant vessel in World War 2, sailing the Atlantic knowing full well that, if a torpedo hit, it’d be highly unlikely that anyone in the bowels of the ship would survive.
Dad was all about survival. And conspicuous survival was even better. I get why he was that way now. “Look at me! I made it. Despite the odds. Despite no one believing in me.”
His Dad was violent with him. He did a “storyboard” of his life once and one of the graphics was a frightened child saying, “What did I do now?” (See graphic above.) That said a lot.
His Dad finally kicked him out, probably as his own dad had done to Grandpa. (1) My Dad rode the rails, spent a night in jail, and then was back on the rails again. He worked his way up from what he probably considered to be nothing to owner of a company and moderately wealthy. He’d show his Dad that he was a worthy man, not like his youngest, the no-good good-for-nothing who just lay around reading books.
I did not want to be a father because the only movies I had in my head were movies of my own father. And who wanted to pass those along? I was determined to stop what Michael called “legacy behavior.” The way to do that was to not be a father.
Wow. I feel the first degree of release on this one – the truth will set you free. I’m still aware that there’s more holding in my solar plexus, my hara center.
Dad’s favorite sayings were things like “you have to keep your guard up. Never let your guard down. You can’t trust anyone,” etc. Our family may as well have been on a wartime footing long, long after the war was over.
Yes, this is the appropriate way for me to handle this persistent vasana of father hatred. I have no trouble listening. Probably when I hear more of his situation, the love may start to trickle.
Just a little. … Never let your guard down….
Footnotes
(1) Because Grandpa left home and migrated from Russia to America. It may have been opportunity or he may have been kicked out of the nest.
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